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| My Dad and I in Dripping Springs, Texas ca. 1962. |
Grief is a very natural process for dealing with significant
losses in our lives. However, it is not
necessarily an inherent or intuitive process.
It involves learned behaviors both within our spirit and in the world
around us. In short, grief is an acquired
process. It takes both learning and
practice to do it well. Some folks never
seem to get the hang of it. Others seem
to find their way more easily, even when the circumstances of the loss are
similar. The critical difference between
the two may be their early experiences of death and the role models/teachers
that were present when they first experience a death. If this is true, then we need to pay
particular attention to our grieving especially when we are being observed by
young eyes. In the next few pages I hope
to share a few insights about how to help those young spirits acquire what they
need to grieve well throughout their lives.
Children have a variety of understandings and ways that they
experience the death of a loved one. These differences depend upon where they
are in mental and emotional development as well as many other factors including
family setting, etc. No two children
will grieve a similar loss in the same way (just like older folks.) I do
not have space to explore all of the differences that mental and moral
development have on a child’s experience of death. (I will include links to online resources to
help the reader explore these further.) However, there are some things that can be
said, in general, about a child’s experience of another’s death.
A child’s encounter with the death of someone they know may
be their first experience of death. It
will be a new experience accompanied by strange feelings and incomprehensible
reactions from the adults around them.
It can be very disorienting and carry expectations for behavior that
uncomfortable and seemingly nonsensical.
If the death was of a primary care-giver, then all this is complicated
by feeling abandoned and fearful that others will abandon them as well. This means that the people around them need
to be especially sensitive to the needs and concerns of children who may be
affected by the loss.
The child will have a great number of questions about the
experience of death. But it is important
to remember that these are a child’s questions.
They may not have the same depth of insight or concern that an adult may
have in asking the same question. When
they are asking “Where is Grandpa?” they may not be looking for an extended
explanation of heaven. They may simply
want to know why Grandpa is not in his chair.
Further, their questions grow out of their previous experiences of loss
when similar feelings arose. The last
time Grandpa was not in his chair, he went to the hospital but came home in a
few days. They may be asking when
Grandpa will be home. It is very
important that we work to understand what a child is asking before offering an
answer. Then we need to limit our
response to their real question.
Most children are still struggling to understand the
feelings that constantly bubble up within their lives. (Most Adults do as well but that is for
another blog.) Children are still
learning the emotional language of life.
Therefore, when particularly strong feelings arise, the child may be
hesitant to express them verbally. This
is especially true when the grown-ups seem to be having a difficult time as
well. Children may “act out” their
feelings or express them in non-verbal ways.
This acting out is not dishonest or misbehaving. It is their way of expressing and processing
the deep current of emotional energy that is swirling in their
body-mind-soul. If they suppress it, it
will surface in time. Mot agree that
children need the freedom to grieve in their own way (just like adults) and
need to be helped in seeing their “acting out” as a sign of their grief. If the “acting out” become destructive or
hurtful, the adults can help them re-direct that energy in more helpful and
safe ways.
Children believe that they are more vulnerable and
uninformed than the adults around them.
They will look to the significant adults in their lives for clues on how
to respond to the death. Unfortunately,
as they get older, they may not want to admit their vulnerability or confusion,
so they may watch their elders out of the corner of their eye. But rest assured they are observing and
learning from the adults around them when the storms of grief begin to
blow. What they need more than anything
else is honesty from the grow-ups. They
do not need to be sheltered from the reality of death. When they sense that the adults are “hiding
something” their highly developed child imaginations will fill in the space
with their own ideas. These can be far
more disturbing than the truth. Further,
they may learn to distrust what the adults say and feel further
abandonment. The grown-ups will need to
be open and honest with the children as they walk through the shadowed
valley. By listening carefully and
responding with sensitivity and compassion, the adult can help the child grow
through their experience of grief.
In general, younger children have a very small “footprint”
in the world. Their world may consist
solely of their immediate family. As
they get older, the “footprint” grows to included extended family, classmates,
friends, the neighborhood, and even the city.
As these relationships grow so does the child’s exposure to the grief of
others. The child will be influenced by
a larger group and the parent may have very little control over what the child
learns and observes. Therefore, it is
imperative that parents and grandparents “stay in touch” with their children
even as they grow into greater levels of maturity. The adults need to be available when the
child encounters confusing or contradictory feelings and understandings. And, more importantly, as the child get
older, the parent needs to become more attuned to listening rather than talking
to the child. They may need fewer
answers and better questions from the grown-ups.
Children struggle to balance their need for security and the
need to explore. Because the world seems
new to them, their natural inquisitiveness will lead them to climb the
boundaries and see what’s on the other side.
However, they are generally held back from going too far afield by their
need to be safe in a world of unknowns.
When the unknown is the loss of someone who is important to the, this
will lead them into what some may consider “morbid curiosity” about death. It may lead to uncomfortable questions for
parents. At times, it can lead to
becoming isolated because the adults are not prepared to deal with the world
that the child is struggling to understand.
It is very important that the adults allow the child to explore the
world of death and dying with honesty and forthrightness. If a question or concern is beyond the adult’s
ability to address in that moment, it is okay to simply say “I am not ready to
talk about that right now but hold on to it and we will talk about it when I am
able.”
Lastly, the best thing that an adult can do to help their
children grieve well is to come to terms with their own grief. By being comfortable with our grief we will
be able to communicate more effectively the essential truth that grief is a
normal response to the loss of someone we care about. When a child is surrounded by people who can
acknowledge and respond in healthy ways to a significant loss, they are able to
model their grief and accept it as a natural and necessary part of living.
Children need the presence and support of those adults who
they trust and depend on in their everyday lives. Adults owe them our honesty and sensitivity,
our undivided attention and commitment to help them grow through the swirling
currents of emotions and confusing experiences that have taken over their
world. But, in being with our children,
we will also find gifts for our own grief.
A child’s essential honesty and imagination can open our eyes to sources
of comfort we may be overlooking. The
love that a child returns can be among the most healing antidotes to the pain
of grief. When we open our heart to the
children around us, we discover life beyond the loss and pain of the
moment.
I was 15 when my Father died of a heart attack. My brother had picked me up from school and
told me the news. I was in shock and
could not process the changes that my life was experiencing. But when we got home, I went in and found my
mother laying on her bed. She reached
out and pulled be in. In those moments she
helped me understand that even though our world had changed, we would be
okay. She did not hide her tears and, in
doing so, gave me permission to share my tears as well. She helped me to understand that hurting was
not a reason to give up. Dad was gone
but our family would continue. Life
would be different but in my Mother’s embrace I understood that my hurting was
as it should be and that we would find our way.
In the next few months she showed me how to grieve well.
I pray that every child that loses a parent or grandparent
will have someone to help them discover that grief is not a disease or
abnormality that threatens our happiness.
I pray that they will have someone who will hold them close and share
their grief experience. In those
experiences I pray that they will discover the resilience of life by plumbing
the depths of love and trust, joy and hope in the midst of their loss.
Grieve well, my friends.
And be sure and pay attention to the young people. You have much to offer and much to gain!
Blessings,
Bob
If you would like more information about childhood grief,
please take a look at the following links.
