We are most acutely aware of grief when someone close us
dies or is no longer part of our lives. Everyone who has ever been in a
relationship has experienced this acute experience of grief. But there is a grieving that happens far more
frequently. It is a grief that grows out
of an accumulation of smaller losses over time.
I am tempted to call it chronic grief but, in truth, it is not a disease
or unusual disruption of our lives. This
everyday kind of grief is a foreseeable part of our journey that makes up the
tapestry of daily living. It is normal
and expected. It offers its own gifts
and resources to our living. Everyday
grieving is part of living so we would do well to learn to live with it and
learn from it.
Grief is the experience of the body, mind, and soul as they
respond to a loss in our lives. Grief
can be debilitating when these losses touch us deeply. But most of our losses are of the everyday
variety and generate an everyday variety of grief. This grief may only last a few minutes or a
whole day or more. It may make it
difficult to face the very near future, but generally, it is set aside as “life
goes on.”
What are everyday losses?
These are losses that have a limited but noteworthy impact
on our lives. (This is not to underestimate
the impact of these losses. For some
people they can be more significant than for others. However, the important factor is not the loss
itself, but rather the impact of that loss on our lives.) Below is a list of a few of the losses that
can be experienced as everyday occasions for grief.
·
A Short-term Change in Health – This may include
an acute condition like a cold or the flu.
It can also include a minor accident or procedure that will temporarily limit
our mobility or cause discomfort.
·
Moving - It is well understood that moving is
among the most stressful things that we will do in our lifetimes. That stress may mask the grief that we may
experience when we begin to adjust to our new homes. We may miss our old routines that evolved in
our old home. We may miss the support of
our neighbors or the familiarity of the house and neighborhood. These losses can exacerbate the stress of the
move and linger even when the stress has begun to wane.
·
Changing Jobs – When we initiate a lateral or
upward change in our jobs, we will likely still feel the loss of the familiar
people and activities that we left behind.
Even if we take a voluntary demotion, we may feel the loss of the old job.
·
Loss of Relationships – People come and go
through our lives. Some move on because
of a minor conflict. Some people move on
because their responsibilities leads them to a new neighborhood or community. Sometimes folks just grow apart as their
interest and circumstances change. These
losses may cause some disruption in our support network, but, in time, we find
that we are able to move on, as well.
·
Change in Social Status – All except the most
dedicated hermit live in a network of people.
We inhabit a status within that network that helps us understand who we
are and what we do. It may range from
being a high-status leader, a mid-range participant, or a lower status
wallflower with few responsibilities and limited recognition from others. When our status moves up or down, we may feel
the loss of our old position within the group.
We may long for the “old days” or fear our new obligations and place in
the group.
·
Minor Financial Losses – In our day to day lives
our bank accounts move up and down.
Whether we live month-to-month or year-to-year we will have unexpected
expenses or shortfalls in income. When
these changes come, we may have to “tighten our belts” in the short-term or
make some unpleasant but temporary adjustments to our lifestyle. In such moments we know we will get through them,
but we may miss the things that we have had to give up in order to get through
the “rough waters.”
·
Lifestyle Changes – Many of the changes listed
above can lead to a change in the way we live our lives. Many find a way to make the best of their
situation and have become relatively comfortable in their day-to-day
living. They develop the routines and
relationships that take care of the bulk of their needs. They make compromises with the needs and
desires. All of us grow into a lifestyle
that we have come to count on even though we may still wish for more. However, those changes will likely be
reflected in changes in our lifestyle. When
these changes seep into our daily living we may miss the “good old days” or no
longer enjoy those last vestiges of a lifestyle that otherwise has been left
behind.
·
Interrupted Routines – Stuff happens! When it does, we may have to change the way
we have always done things. This could
be as simple as having to find a new way to work because of road construction
or as complicated as having to adjust to physical limitations that come with
age. Once again, the loss of the “the
good old days” may become a source of grief.
·
Lesser Disappointments and Unfulfilled Expectations
– No one gets all their wants and wishes.
Disappointment and unmet expectations are part of our daily story. When they happen, we have to adjust our lives
to make room for them. We may lament the
expected future that has been lost, at least in the short-term. We may grieve the changes that must happen in
order to get around the circumstances that led to the disappointment.
Accumulated Grief
Individually, these losses may not be earth shattering or ultimately
life changing. But, as they accumulate,
the grief that gathers around them can become significant. As long as they are few in number, we can
find the resources we need to cope with them.
But as they accumulate, we may find those resources are insufficient to
carry their combined weight. They can
begin to have a greater impact on our daily living and, in the extreme, can
become debilitating. When these lesser
losses accumulate in our body, mind, and soul they can become life changing.
The cumulative effect of the everyday kind of grief can:
·
Poison the Soul – They can alter the very nature
of our inner voice. We can become bitter
and angry with ourselves or those around us.
We may find it difficult to be content and feel an inner restlessness. Our soul may feel “out of sync” with our
situation and we struggle to beyond our feeling that life has betrayed us.
·
Taint the Mind – The accumulation of everyday
grief can also alter our ability to reason and process information. The dark cloud may obscure the facts in our
life that would help us deal with our grief.
There may be signs that our situation is turning around, but our mind
has become distrustful and discounts those changes. We become near-sighted and cannot see beyond
our present circumstances. We may come
to believe that we will never escape this grief.
·
Weaken the Body – Accumulated everyday grief can
change the way we eat, sleep, exercise, or otherwise care for our body. It can also change the way we perceive the
world around us. We may go into comfort
eating, relying on unhealthy habits. We
make find ourselves unable to sleep or trapped in cycle of extended sleeping
and napping. We may not get the exercise
we need or, we may try and do the “Forrest Gump”, and try and run our grief
out. We may find it difficult to bathe
or show up for medical appointments. All
of this may affect the ability of the body to “bounce back” from our burden of
minor losses.
Accumulated grief can eat away at our joy and hope. It can dampen our capacity for love and
trust. It can leave us at the side of
the road, broken down, and unable to call for help. To paraphrase a line from The Crown, we
may feel that we have become more of a spectator than a participant in our own
lives.
The Good News
There is good news in the experience of our everyday
losses. If we recognize and accept
responsibility for them and acknowledge the grief that accompanies them, we can
grow through them. They will teach us
about ourselves and ways to deal with our grief. In doing so we can increase our capacity for
coping. They can help us understand what is truly
important to us as we feel our losses and explore the reasons for those
feelings. As we get through those lesser
losses, we can discover just how resilient we can be. Further, the ways that we cope with these less-threatening
losses can point us toward ways to adapt those learnings to greater
losses. These small losses can help us
acquire what we need to deal with the bigger losses that await us in the
future.
Just knowing that we can get through a shadowed valley makes
the journey afterward a bit easier. We
know we will bounce back. We have before
and we will again. We can develop a
resilience that will serve us well in times of deeper loss.
When acknowledged and well incorporated into our
self-knowledge, we become better grounded in who we are and what is important
to us. We can discover a deeper
appreciation for our life and the lives of those around us. This growing self-awareness will awaken our
minds to seeing and celebrating the known and the unknowable in our life.
As we acquire a greater confidence about ourselves and new
skills in dealing with loss, we become healthier and better able to ride the
“waves of change” that wash up on the edges of our lives. We are able to relax into our living by
letting go of many of our fears, disappointments, and feelings of guilt that
arise from our losses.
By embracing our everyday kind of grief, we allow it to shape
us and teach us about the real key that unlocks the mystery of life. We only grieve what we love. Let it teach you that love! And as you acknowledge and embrace that love,
may you feel the joy, hope and trust that it will create.
A lifetime of learning to grieve will allow us to grow into
a new being filled with a healthy spirit and able to withstand all that we may
encounter along our path. May we live
with our grief and learn from it.
Blessings,
Bob
