When the Fog Rolls In

 

The west end of the Galveston Seawall

The kids could not understand. Grandma was always in charge. She kept the house in top shape. Even during her now-deceased husband's long bout with cancer, Granny had stepped up and never missed a beat with yard mowing, minor repairs, and maintenance of the house. She made sure that he had everything he needed and kept all the kids and grandkids up to date. She never missed a birthday. She ensured the holidays came off without a hitch. She was always ready to prepare a Sunday Dinner for family and friends.

 

But six months ago, her world changed in ways no one else could ever understand. Her companion of 50+ years, her best friend, lover, and partner, slipped away in the night. The disease had finally released him from his pain. She woke the next morning to discover that she was utterly and terribly alone!

 

She was lost in the nightmare of grief for several weeks. As much as she desperately wanted to wake up and find her best friend at her side, the loneliness remained. The kids understood that she was not herself. They pitched in when they could. The neighbors stopped by with food and friendship. One neighbor made sure that the yard was kept up. Her daughter came over and made a Sunday dinner. After washing up, she sat down to enjoy a cup of coffee with her mom. But, she saw a deeply furrowed brow on the haggard face across the table.

 

“What’s the matter, Mom? Are you tired? Do you need to lay down and take a nap?”

 

Mom replied, “I don’t think a nap will help. I, I, I … I think I am losing my mind!” And then the tears began to leak down her cheeks.

 

Mom had just said the unthinkable. She was a proud, accomplished, and "in control" woman who suddenly found herself out of control and powerless to do the simplest things. She struggled to focus on her daily life. Writing a shopping list was challenging, but planning a menu for herself was impossible. A leaky faucet led to an emotional meltdown. She panicked when her cell phone rang. Then she felt an urge to throw it in the toilet. She felt powerless, incapable of making the simplest decisions. She struggled remembering how to use her phone, make her morning coffee, or pay the bills. She felt lost and confused most of the time. And underneath it all was a profound sense of loneliness and isolation. Mom was trapped in the powerless vacuum of grief. Doubting her sanity was the last step as the tears began to flow!

 

Fortunately, her mind was still intact, but it was lost in a fog of stress called grief. The cruelest loss in grief is the loss of power over one’s life. Many people struggle to cope with their day-to-day living when they are grieving deeply. And it has nothing to do with their mental capacity. It is the natural result of the body protecting itself when it is under stress. It results from prolonged exposure to cortisol, the stress hormone that generally helps us regulate our blood pressure and blood glucose levels. But, according to medical research, it prepares our body to fight or flee in times of stress. When the stress lasts for days, weeks, or months, it changes the wiring in the brain's prefrontal cortex, where we "take care of business."

 

The prefrontal cortex holds the so-called “executive functions of the brain.”  These include:

 

·      Problem-solving: The ability to identify solutions to complex issues.

·      Cognitive Flexibility: The capacity to adapt to changing situations and process multiple concepts simultaneously.

·      Working Memory: The skill of holding and manipulating information in short-term memory.

·      Self-Control: The power to choose responses, manage emotions, and step back from impulses.

·      Reasoning: The process of forming conclusions, judgments, or inferences from facts and/or premises.

 

They form the basis for the operating system in the human brain. Cortisol disrupts these and allows the body to take direct, immediate action while under threat. Generally, the response occurs without thought or choice. But as the cortisol keeps flowing, the mind becomes aware that it is not engaging as usual. When the body is constantly under threat, experiencing loss repeatedly, the mind moves into panic mode, and we "lose our mind" in the fog. Grief dominates our thinking and does not allow the free exchange of ideas to flow. It holds us hostage and takes everything we have just to hang on. Far too often, it feels like a losing battle. It is as if the grief has commandeered all our energy, and there is nothing left for the rest of our lives.

 

However, this lack of energy is not the same as a lack of control. It means that we must find new ways to fuel our day-to-day lives, re-awaken, and fuel our mind and will.

 

The first strategy is to discover ways to renew our energy. Our greatest resource for energy is to let others share theirs with you. This comes from staying in touch with your support network. After all, how did you feel the last time your child or grandchild gave you a hug? If you have trouble getting through a shopping trip, call a friend and ask them along. When the nights are too long, arrange to have a friend you can call to talk to and get you through the darkest hours. Do not cut yourself off from family and friends. Stay in touch, and if getting out of the house is too much, let them visit even if your home is not “up-to-par.” They will energize you by their presence.

 

A second strategy involves allowing ourselves the time to recharge. Accept that our lower energy is a temporary part of your life. When a situation drains your energy, take frequent breaks. Limit your exposure to people who drain your energy. Managing your limited energy will allow you to find your “emotional feet” more quickly and, in time, enable you to invest more of yourself in complicated projects and people.

 

A third strategy for dealing with the “fog” is to postpone those major projects until the fog lifts a bit. Selling your home or doing a major remodel while in the fog will likely cause more grief and complicate your recovery. If a major project must be undertaken, find help from people you trust without reservation. Trust their judgment even while retaining the final decisions for yourself. This is not the time to engage in large, challenging projects unless you have excellent help and support.

 

A fourth strategy is to get your rest, eat sensibly, and exercise. I am not suggesting starting a life-changing exercise or diet program. Simply allow yourself time to walk around the neighborhood. The exercise and social encounters will brighten your inner skies. Light, frequent meals will help you avoid a “sugar crash.” Establish a routine as you prepare for bed. Lack of sleep steals your energy.

 

Finally, accept your grief for what it is, your continuing love for the one you have lost. That love will stay with you but do not allow it to take the place of your self-care. If pictures help you remember that love, hang on to them. If a closet full of clothes helps you hold on to the love you shared, open it up occasionally to remember and renew that love. Some widows and widowers set an empty place at the table each morning. In time, you will not need to rely on these “things” to help you see through the fog of grief. You will experience that life-long love rising to greet you daily as the fog lifts from your everyday living. You will know when the time is right. Accept grief for what it is and allow the fog to clear at its own pace.

 

We spend the winters along the Texas Coast. These coastal communities know about fog. They know that it rolls in when warm air meets cooler water, and there is nothing anyone can do about it. The wind does not blow it away. Yet, they find a way to function until the conditions are right for it to roll back to sea. They realize it will return, so they make the most when the sunshine returns. Find a way to make the most of our lives regardless of fog or sunshine.

 

The daughter knew that her mom would be okay when she stopped needing help with the grocery shopping. But she would still be there for her mom when needed and give her mom space to grieve when things became overwhelming. She would not hurry her to “get better” or “get over it.” A loving supporter’s patience and sensitivity to what the bereaved are going through will make the journey easier for both.

 

Walk gently, patiently, and steadfastly at their side through the fog. Enjoy the time together. It is a precious gift to both.

 

Bob

Settling in for the Long, Long Journey

 

Shafer Road at Canyonlands NP

January 1st brings thoughts of looking ahead with resolutions for a new year. However, many who are dealing with a significant loss look ahead and see an interminably long year ahead. The smaller losses that have occurred in the wake of the major loss have piled up. The new rhythm of daily life does not feel comfortable or routine. Regular bouts of sadness come and go through the long days and even longer nights. Loneliness makes regular visits, especially when you sit down to eat a meal prepared for one. You have been forced to settle in for a long, long, unchosen journey.

 

Most people have made at least one long, long journey in their lives. It may have been that “trip of a lifetime” or that long road back home for a family wedding or funeral. You discovered that preparation was the key, but regardless of how well you packed, you forgot something. You also discovered that there are always surprises on the road. It is just the nature of traveling a new road.

 

The long, long journey through grief is not all that different. Hopefully, you have prepared as best you can, but there are moments and events for which you must improvise. On top of this, your journey is not your choice. Not only is the path difficult, but you also resent having to be on it and can see no way to avoid it! There is no set timeline for the destination. And, you fear it is a path that may well go on for the rest of your life. As you settle in for your long, uncertain journey, sadness, resentment, doubt, and loneliness become your unwelcome companions.

 

How can we get through this year traveling your unchosen, unwelcome road without a clear destination?

 

Shafer Road at Canyonlands NP

 

Learn From Your Past

You have had to cope with long journeys before. Look back and identify the ways you coped when following that road. We all deal with uncertainty and weariness in our own way. The same is true of grief. Hundreds of factors determine the length and depth of our grief experience. Everyone will have their own path; unfortunately, the path may vary from one loss to another. But you have traveled similar roads before. Look back and think about how you got through those journeys?

 

As you do so, here are a few suggestions about what to consider as you look back on those journeys.

 

Most people find it helpful to see grief as a journey, albeit an unchosen one. While you may not be able to see your destination, try and identify the waypoints ahead. Many people report that they woke up one morning, and their loss was not their first thought of the day. Recognize that that waypoint may be out in front of you. Take note of it. Folks have reported that there came a when they were able to share a story about their loved one without tears in their eyes. Down the road, you may discover that you can focus on the other people in your life without referencing your relationship with them through your loved one. You will begin to develop “stand-alone” relationships with in-laws, friends, work associates, neighbors, and others, and these relationships will grow out of your shared memories and moments. One widow told me that she knew she would make it when she stopped asking what her deceased husband would do about a leaky faucet and, instead, asked herself what she needed to do about it. These may be waypoints in your journey!

 

Another way to keep moving forward is to adjust your route and timing. Daily routines need to remain routines. They will need to change and evolve as the days progress. Resist having them solidify into mindless habits that become more and more difficult to change. As you look ahead, use your widowed status as an opportunity to try new restaurants or visit places you could not or would not go before. Give yourself permission to buy that new car or even downsize when the timing is right. Focus on the details of your daily life and let them fill the gaps left in your mind by the loss. Pick up a new hobby or take a community education class. In short, take control of your daily living and adjust the route and timing as appropriate in your new circumstances, freed from the habitual paths you walked before your loss. You may still choose to do the same things, but make them a choice, not a habit.

 

Another important way to manage that long, long journey is to check your expectations. As we have traveled around the country, I have discovered that I am happier when I reduce my high expectations of the "famous places" and generate higher expectations for the "lesser" attractions. I protect myself from disappointment when my high expectations are not met and allow myself to enjoy the delight of being presently surprised by things we find along the way.

 

For example, avoid investing too much spiritual energy in finding the end of the journey. By focusing on it, each day between now and then will be a disappointment, and absorb the joy that the day may hold for you. Reduce your expectations about when you “should” be ready to move on. Grief unfolds in its own way and in its own time. It refuses to be hurried. Instead of waiting for the anniversary of the loss to finally ease your grief, let each day unfold and celebrate the smaller events like a good conversation or a quiet, peaceful moment. Avoid high expectations for healing. Instead, raise your expectations for being able to cope with each new day.

 

This leads us to the next secret to making a long, long journey. Take one day at a time. Every day is a precious gift and deserves to be honored. Give the day room to expand and fill the voids in your life. If employed, allow your work to fill your soul as you engage in familiar patterns and relationships. If you are retired, spend a cold winter day creating a pot of soup or baking that small loaf of bread. Invest your day in reading or a favorite hobby. Allow time to sit back, savor your memories, and allow the tears to come. I promise they will stop when your heart is ready. Call that old friend or family member. Allow each day the place it deserves in your life, a precious slice of your life that deserves to be enjoyed for what it is.

 

Another way to make the long, long journey is to look for joys along the way. When traveling, I take delight in the scenery that slips by. I pay attention to the fleeting landscapes and interesting sights along the way. In a grief journey, memorable moments will slip through your life. Do not waste them. Let that kind word from a neighbor or the smile on the face of someone walking by bring light to your inner life. If you find that your coffee tastes particularly good, acknowledge it and let the joy warm your soul. Large or small, these joys offer a brief respite from the burden of grief and point toward a future where they will become more frequent, especially once you are attuned to noticing them.

 

Shafer Road at Canyonlands NP

A Word About Support Groups

Before closing, I want to offer a word about Grief Support groups. These small groups of people will meet weekly or monthly, usually for a 6-9 week period, and share their experiences. They find it helpful to know that other people have these same feelings and experiences. Under the guidance of a skilled leader, these groups can promote healing and foster friendships that make the journey more bearable. Here are a few things to keep in mind.

 

They work best for people who are ready for them. They feel the need to share their story and do not want to burden their friends and family, who cannot "really understand" what you have been going through. A support group may be a good step if you are truly open to the group experience.

 

But be careful. Many support groups are operated by churches and other religious groups that use them to troll for new members. Their primary objective is getting new members. There are also some non-profits that are set up to do the same thing to gain financial support. I suggest you not rely on the internet for information on grief groups. Instead, call a local funeral home and ask to speak with their bereavement staff. Check with your own faith community leader. Whether you were involved with a hospice or not, call the local community hospice and ask to speak with a social worker or bereavement counselor and ask for their recommendations. They should give you a choice of three different groups and share a bit about what they do. Trust your feelings when you arrive at a new group. Your heart will help you know if this group is right for you and has your healing as its only concern.

 

In closing, I encourage you to prepare for the long haul in your journey through grief. Your journey will be unique; no one can tell you when it should end. In fact, let go of words should when talking about your experience. There are no shoulds, only a range of possibilities that you may experience along the way. There is no timeline, nor are there five stages. You are far too unique and complex for such simplistic thinking. Walk your path. Stop and cry when you need. Smile when the occasion arises. Join hands with others but make space for solitude, as well. It is your journey, and you can claim every moment as an opportunity to grow into the person you want to become.

 

Blessings, my Friends.

Travel well.

Bob

 

The Road through Monument Valley