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| The west end of the Galveston Seawall |
The kids could not understand. Grandma was always in charge. She kept the house in top shape. Even during her now-deceased husband's long bout with cancer, Granny had stepped up and never missed a beat with yard mowing, minor repairs, and maintenance of the house. She made sure that he had everything he needed and kept all the kids and grandkids up to date. She never missed a birthday. She ensured the holidays came off without a hitch. She was always ready to prepare a Sunday Dinner for family and friends.
But six months ago, her world changed in ways no one else could ever understand. Her companion of 50+ years, her best friend, lover, and partner, slipped away in the night. The disease had finally released him from his pain. She woke the next morning to discover that she was utterly and terribly alone!
She was lost in the nightmare of grief for several weeks. As much as she desperately wanted to wake up and find her best friend at her side, the loneliness remained. The kids understood that she was not herself. They pitched in when they could. The neighbors stopped by with food and friendship. One neighbor made sure that the yard was kept up. Her daughter came over and made a Sunday dinner. After washing up, she sat down to enjoy a cup of coffee with her mom. But, she saw a deeply furrowed brow on the haggard face across the table.
“What’s the matter, Mom? Are you tired? Do you need to lay down and take a nap?”
Mom replied, “I don’t think a nap will help. I, I, I … I think I am losing my mind!” And then the tears began to leak down her cheeks.
Mom had just said the unthinkable. She was a proud, accomplished, and "in control" woman who suddenly found herself out of control and powerless to do the simplest things. She struggled to focus on her daily life. Writing a shopping list was challenging, but planning a menu for herself was impossible. A leaky faucet led to an emotional meltdown. She panicked when her cell phone rang. Then she felt an urge to throw it in the toilet. She felt powerless, incapable of making the simplest decisions. She struggled remembering how to use her phone, make her morning coffee, or pay the bills. She felt lost and confused most of the time. And underneath it all was a profound sense of loneliness and isolation. Mom was trapped in the powerless vacuum of grief. Doubting her sanity was the last step as the tears began to flow!
Fortunately, her mind was still intact, but it was lost in a fog of stress called grief. The cruelest loss in grief is the loss of power over one’s life. Many people struggle to cope with their day-to-day living when they are grieving deeply. And it has nothing to do with their mental capacity. It is the natural result of the body protecting itself when it is under stress. It results from prolonged exposure to cortisol, the stress hormone that generally helps us regulate our blood pressure and blood glucose levels. But, according to medical research, it prepares our body to fight or flee in times of stress. When the stress lasts for days, weeks, or months, it changes the wiring in the brain's prefrontal cortex, where we "take care of business."
The prefrontal cortex holds the so-called “executive functions of the brain.” These include:
· Problem-solving: The ability to identify solutions to complex issues.
· Cognitive Flexibility: The capacity to adapt to changing situations and process multiple concepts simultaneously.
· Working Memory: The skill of holding and manipulating information in short-term memory.
· Self-Control: The power to choose responses, manage emotions, and step back from impulses.
· Reasoning: The process of forming conclusions, judgments, or inferences from facts and/or premises.
They form the basis for the operating system in the human brain. Cortisol disrupts these and allows the body to take direct, immediate action while under threat. Generally, the response occurs without thought or choice. But as the cortisol keeps flowing, the mind becomes aware that it is not engaging as usual. When the body is constantly under threat, experiencing loss repeatedly, the mind moves into panic mode, and we "lose our mind" in the fog. Grief dominates our thinking and does not allow the free exchange of ideas to flow. It holds us hostage and takes everything we have just to hang on. Far too often, it feels like a losing battle. It is as if the grief has commandeered all our energy, and there is nothing left for the rest of our lives.
However, this lack of energy is not the same as a lack of control. It means that we must find new ways to fuel our day-to-day lives, re-awaken, and fuel our mind and will.
The first strategy is to discover ways to renew our energy. Our greatest resource for energy is to let others share theirs with you. This comes from staying in touch with your support network. After all, how did you feel the last time your child or grandchild gave you a hug? If you have trouble getting through a shopping trip, call a friend and ask them along. When the nights are too long, arrange to have a friend you can call to talk to and get you through the darkest hours. Do not cut yourself off from family and friends. Stay in touch, and if getting out of the house is too much, let them visit even if your home is not “up-to-par.” They will energize you by their presence.
A second strategy involves allowing ourselves the time to recharge. Accept that our lower energy is a temporary part of your life. When a situation drains your energy, take frequent breaks. Limit your exposure to people who drain your energy. Managing your limited energy will allow you to find your “emotional feet” more quickly and, in time, enable you to invest more of yourself in complicated projects and people.
A third strategy for dealing with the “fog” is to postpone those major projects until the fog lifts a bit. Selling your home or doing a major remodel while in the fog will likely cause more grief and complicate your recovery. If a major project must be undertaken, find help from people you trust without reservation. Trust their judgment even while retaining the final decisions for yourself. This is not the time to engage in large, challenging projects unless you have excellent help and support.
A fourth strategy is to get your rest, eat sensibly, and exercise. I am not suggesting starting a life-changing exercise or diet program. Simply allow yourself time to walk around the neighborhood. The exercise and social encounters will brighten your inner skies. Light, frequent meals will help you avoid a “sugar crash.” Establish a routine as you prepare for bed. Lack of sleep steals your energy.
Finally, accept your grief for what it is, your continuing love for the one you have lost. That love will stay with you but do not allow it to take the place of your self-care. If pictures help you remember that love, hang on to them. If a closet full of clothes helps you hold on to the love you shared, open it up occasionally to remember and renew that love. Some widows and widowers set an empty place at the table each morning. In time, you will not need to rely on these “things” to help you see through the fog of grief. You will experience that life-long love rising to greet you daily as the fog lifts from your everyday living. You will know when the time is right. Accept grief for what it is and allow the fog to clear at its own pace.
We spend the winters along the Texas Coast. These coastal communities know about fog. They know that it rolls in when warm air meets cooler water, and there is nothing anyone can do about it. The wind does not blow it away. Yet, they find a way to function until the conditions are right for it to roll back to sea. They realize it will return, so they make the most when the sunshine returns. Find a way to make the most of our lives regardless of fog or sunshine.
The daughter knew that her mom would be okay when she stopped needing help with the grocery shopping. But she would still be there for her mom when needed and give her mom space to grieve when things became overwhelming. She would not hurry her to “get better” or “get over it.” A loving supporter’s patience and sensitivity to what the bereaved are going through will make the journey easier for both.
Walk gently, patiently, and steadfastly at their side through the fog. Enjoy the time together. It is a precious gift to both.
Bob
