Settling in for the Long, Long Journey

 

Shafer Road at Canyonlands NP

January 1st brings thoughts of looking ahead with resolutions for a new year. However, many who are dealing with a significant loss look ahead and see an interminably long year ahead. The smaller losses that have occurred in the wake of the major loss have piled up. The new rhythm of daily life does not feel comfortable or routine. Regular bouts of sadness come and go through the long days and even longer nights. Loneliness makes regular visits, especially when you sit down to eat a meal prepared for one. You have been forced to settle in for a long, long, unchosen journey.

 

Most people have made at least one long, long journey in their lives. It may have been that “trip of a lifetime” or that long road back home for a family wedding or funeral. You discovered that preparation was the key, but regardless of how well you packed, you forgot something. You also discovered that there are always surprises on the road. It is just the nature of traveling a new road.

 

The long, long journey through grief is not all that different. Hopefully, you have prepared as best you can, but there are moments and events for which you must improvise. On top of this, your journey is not your choice. Not only is the path difficult, but you also resent having to be on it and can see no way to avoid it! There is no set timeline for the destination. And, you fear it is a path that may well go on for the rest of your life. As you settle in for your long, uncertain journey, sadness, resentment, doubt, and loneliness become your unwelcome companions.

 

How can we get through this year traveling your unchosen, unwelcome road without a clear destination?

 

Shafer Road at Canyonlands NP

 

Learn From Your Past

You have had to cope with long journeys before. Look back and identify the ways you coped when following that road. We all deal with uncertainty and weariness in our own way. The same is true of grief. Hundreds of factors determine the length and depth of our grief experience. Everyone will have their own path; unfortunately, the path may vary from one loss to another. But you have traveled similar roads before. Look back and think about how you got through those journeys?

 

As you do so, here are a few suggestions about what to consider as you look back on those journeys.

 

Most people find it helpful to see grief as a journey, albeit an unchosen one. While you may not be able to see your destination, try and identify the waypoints ahead. Many people report that they woke up one morning, and their loss was not their first thought of the day. Recognize that that waypoint may be out in front of you. Take note of it. Folks have reported that there came a when they were able to share a story about their loved one without tears in their eyes. Down the road, you may discover that you can focus on the other people in your life without referencing your relationship with them through your loved one. You will begin to develop “stand-alone” relationships with in-laws, friends, work associates, neighbors, and others, and these relationships will grow out of your shared memories and moments. One widow told me that she knew she would make it when she stopped asking what her deceased husband would do about a leaky faucet and, instead, asked herself what she needed to do about it. These may be waypoints in your journey!

 

Another way to keep moving forward is to adjust your route and timing. Daily routines need to remain routines. They will need to change and evolve as the days progress. Resist having them solidify into mindless habits that become more and more difficult to change. As you look ahead, use your widowed status as an opportunity to try new restaurants or visit places you could not or would not go before. Give yourself permission to buy that new car or even downsize when the timing is right. Focus on the details of your daily life and let them fill the gaps left in your mind by the loss. Pick up a new hobby or take a community education class. In short, take control of your daily living and adjust the route and timing as appropriate in your new circumstances, freed from the habitual paths you walked before your loss. You may still choose to do the same things, but make them a choice, not a habit.

 

Another important way to manage that long, long journey is to check your expectations. As we have traveled around the country, I have discovered that I am happier when I reduce my high expectations of the "famous places" and generate higher expectations for the "lesser" attractions. I protect myself from disappointment when my high expectations are not met and allow myself to enjoy the delight of being presently surprised by things we find along the way.

 

For example, avoid investing too much spiritual energy in finding the end of the journey. By focusing on it, each day between now and then will be a disappointment, and absorb the joy that the day may hold for you. Reduce your expectations about when you “should” be ready to move on. Grief unfolds in its own way and in its own time. It refuses to be hurried. Instead of waiting for the anniversary of the loss to finally ease your grief, let each day unfold and celebrate the smaller events like a good conversation or a quiet, peaceful moment. Avoid high expectations for healing. Instead, raise your expectations for being able to cope with each new day.

 

This leads us to the next secret to making a long, long journey. Take one day at a time. Every day is a precious gift and deserves to be honored. Give the day room to expand and fill the voids in your life. If employed, allow your work to fill your soul as you engage in familiar patterns and relationships. If you are retired, spend a cold winter day creating a pot of soup or baking that small loaf of bread. Invest your day in reading or a favorite hobby. Allow time to sit back, savor your memories, and allow the tears to come. I promise they will stop when your heart is ready. Call that old friend or family member. Allow each day the place it deserves in your life, a precious slice of your life that deserves to be enjoyed for what it is.

 

Another way to make the long, long journey is to look for joys along the way. When traveling, I take delight in the scenery that slips by. I pay attention to the fleeting landscapes and interesting sights along the way. In a grief journey, memorable moments will slip through your life. Do not waste them. Let that kind word from a neighbor or the smile on the face of someone walking by bring light to your inner life. If you find that your coffee tastes particularly good, acknowledge it and let the joy warm your soul. Large or small, these joys offer a brief respite from the burden of grief and point toward a future where they will become more frequent, especially once you are attuned to noticing them.

 

Shafer Road at Canyonlands NP

A Word About Support Groups

Before closing, I want to offer a word about Grief Support groups. These small groups of people will meet weekly or monthly, usually for a 6-9 week period, and share their experiences. They find it helpful to know that other people have these same feelings and experiences. Under the guidance of a skilled leader, these groups can promote healing and foster friendships that make the journey more bearable. Here are a few things to keep in mind.

 

They work best for people who are ready for them. They feel the need to share their story and do not want to burden their friends and family, who cannot "really understand" what you have been going through. A support group may be a good step if you are truly open to the group experience.

 

But be careful. Many support groups are operated by churches and other religious groups that use them to troll for new members. Their primary objective is getting new members. There are also some non-profits that are set up to do the same thing to gain financial support. I suggest you not rely on the internet for information on grief groups. Instead, call a local funeral home and ask to speak with their bereavement staff. Check with your own faith community leader. Whether you were involved with a hospice or not, call the local community hospice and ask to speak with a social worker or bereavement counselor and ask for their recommendations. They should give you a choice of three different groups and share a bit about what they do. Trust your feelings when you arrive at a new group. Your heart will help you know if this group is right for you and has your healing as its only concern.

 

In closing, I encourage you to prepare for the long haul in your journey through grief. Your journey will be unique; no one can tell you when it should end. In fact, let go of words should when talking about your experience. There are no shoulds, only a range of possibilities that you may experience along the way. There is no timeline, nor are there five stages. You are far too unique and complex for such simplistic thinking. Walk your path. Stop and cry when you need. Smile when the occasion arises. Join hands with others but make space for solitude, as well. It is your journey, and you can claim every moment as an opportunity to grow into the person you want to become.

 

Blessings, my Friends.

Travel well.

Bob

 

The Road through Monument Valley

 

Outlasting the Hydra

 

Paul has just had one of the worst years of his 42 years! It began with his wife of 21 years divorcing him to marry his best friend. Then, his company decided to relocate to a new city 500 miles away, and he either lost his job or followed it away from his children and friends. The rejection letters piled up as he went from interview to interview. Finally, he had to yield to "the fates" and relocate with his company.

 

Paul, after the move, found himself in a new city, away from family and friends. Even his 'work friends' were lost in the disruption among the departments. He could not understand why he was so angry or why he couldn't sleep. He was gaining weight and felt alone and empty. He knew he was missing his old life. What Paul didn't realize was that he was fighting a multi-headed demon called cumulative grief and losing the battle!

 

Greek mythology describes the Hydra as a multi-headed serpent-like creature believed to possess the power to grow two more heads if one was cut off. Slaying the beast was one of Hercules’ acts of penance, known as the Twelve Labors, after killing his wife and children. Hercules was able to do so. The rest of us mortals must muster a similar level of courage, strength, and ingenuity to outlast the creature named cumulative grief! Paul spent the next six months fighting the beast alone, one painful day at a time.

 

Cumulative Grief occurs when we experience a series of losses. Sometimes, these are separate, unrelated losses, like Paul's. But, more often, they are related to one or more significant losses that accumulate subsequent smaller losses. For example, when we lose a spouse or other close family member, we also lose their presence and support. We may lose the future that we envisioned spending with them. This can be particularly painful in the loss of a child. Major losses such as these make smaller losses more difficult to manage. As the losses accumulate, we find it more difficult to process each one and give it the attention it needs to cope and adapt. The losses become a huge, chaotic mass of pain, sorrow, and confusion, rendering us incapable of dealing with any of the individual losses. Without support, our grief becomes overwhelming.

 

Paul was stuck in a downward spiral, with each new loss compounding the earlier ones. The sadness was unrelenting. His sleep-deprived days grew long and exhausting. Waves of anger and anxiety sloshed around in his soul as he fought off depression and the feeling that it was all his fault. Those emotions abated only in the brief respite of numbness that grew out of an occasional emotional void. Somedays, he just could not face the daily grind. And every ordinary loss or disappointment became another occasion for his grief to flare.

 

One Monday morning, he opened his dishwasher and saw that his favorite coffee cup, his daily companion for many years, had broken during the last wash. Guilt, anger, and hopelessness all bubbled up as tears welled up from the depths. Something this simple started shifting in his soul, setting off another griefquake. He knew that this could not and would not continue, and he did not like looking into the pit into which he was descending.

 

His company offered confidential mental health services to their employees. That night, after fighting through one surge of grief after another, he resolved to make THE call when he got to work in the morning. That tiny candle of hope let him drift into a fitful sleep, and he rose the next morning with his resolve intact. He 'stiff-upper-lipped' his way through the morning commute and his morning routine at his desk. After sending the last morning email, he closed his office door and sat down, reaching for the phone. He dialed the counselor’s office. A warm, friendly voice greeted him and asked, 'How may I help you?' Stifling the urge to scream, Paul stiffly admitted that he was having trouble sleeping and would like to talk to someone. The therapist heard volumes in Paul’s faltering voice.'When would you like to get together?' the therapist asked. Paul blurted out, 'As soon as possible!' The counselor said he had some time right after lunch, and  Paul's anxiety began bubbling immediately as he quickly agreed and hung up. He was very glad that the door to his office was closed! The next few hours were filled with self-doubt and anxiety. He worked through lunch at his desk, knowing that he could not face anyone in the hallway or cafeteria. The deep pit loomed beneath his chair, and he was suspended by a tenuous strand of pure will.

This was the moment when Paul took a significant step towards healing, by reaching out for professional help.

 

When the appointment time arrived, Paul made his way to the ^third floor and found the therapist’s office. After a knock and invitation to enter, he took a deep breath, twisted the doorknob, opened the door, and stepped in! Those were his first steps into the new life that awaited him on the other side of his grief.

 

Cumulative grief is all about finding the resources to help us sort out the story that supports our grief. Medications have a limited effect on helping us cope. The chaos and confusion of the hydra-like stories that swirl around us require someone who can help us sort them out, see them for what they are, and share practical ways to cope until we learn to adapt to the changes that have become our new lives.

 

When grief profoundly disrupts our daily lives and relationships, when it has eroded our self-confidence and cut our lives out from under us, professional support will likely be required. If Paul had been able to access the support of family and friends, he may have been able to avoid the pit. But the company move took that support away from him. Before seeking help, he had to deal with one more loss, the loss of self-sufficiency, by admitting to himself that he could not handle this on his own. Had it not been for the pit and the looming gloom beneath him, he would not likely have made that phone call.

 

When we encounter a major loss, we need to muster the support around us. We need to seek out those friends who will help us process our thoughts and feelings without judgment. We need to be gentle with ourselves, being patient with our emotions and the physical effects of grief. We need to listen to our thoughts and feelings but not allow them to take us where we do not want to go. If we feel they are dragging us into the darkness of grief, we need to find someone who will help us find the anchors we will need to stay in the light.

 

Sometimes, even with professional help, all we can do is learn to live with the Hydra. We can befriend it. Let it teach us what you need to know. It can help us see beyond our grief and embrace a stronger, more resilient self. In time, it will become a companion or fade away into yesterday's mists. In either case, we will become survivors, well-equipped to face the rest of our lives.

 

Most importantly, we need to acknowledge that this will take time! Losses will continue to occur, and we will stumble from time to time. But those setbacks are part of the healing process. We will accept that some losses are just going to happen, but we do not have to be drawn onto that spiraling staircase into the darkness.

 

Paul found his way back to the light. The therapist helped him discover a new life and a new normal. He rebuilt his life even though there were moments when the sadness would surface through disappointment or loss. Paul walked with a newfound confidence that came to those who had faced the demon and emerged victorious. Cumulative grief, like all grief, is an opportunity to grow into our souls and discover new resources for contentment and joy. And when we face the Hydra in the future, we will be better equipped to engage and emerge from the encounter with our lives intact.

 

May each of us allow life to teach us what we need to know and help us find the tools to cope with bitter disappointments and loss. May we find our way into new lives better prepared to withstand misfortune so that we can embrace the new day when it finally dawns? 

 

Outlast the Hydra. Don't let the monster win!

 

Blessings, 

Bob

 

 

 

 

Christmas in Barbados?

Grandpa: “How does Christmas in Barbados sound?”

Grandma: “That sounds great, but the kids can’t afford to make that trip. Are we going to pay their way?”

Grandpa: “Why would I do that?”

Grandpa loved his children and grandchildren. He would do anything for them. And Grandma was initially, both confused and concerned when she heard his response.

It had been a tough year for the family. Grandpa had lost a beloved sister and brother. A couple of his coffee group buddies had moved away to be with their children. His best friend had died just a few months before. Grandpa also had a few medical tests scheduled for after the holidays. His grief was etched in his face as he looked at his life-long companion and proposed Christmas in Barbados. Grandma began to see through the question. She saw the deep sadness in his heart.

Grandma replied, “Let’s talk about it!”

Many people who are wandering in the shadowed valley cannot see themselves “celebrating the holidays.” Their hurting spirits are fragile. The treasured memories are too painful to hold. The tears are also near the surface, and they fear that once they start flowing, they may not stop. Some folks do not want to dampen other’s holiday spirit. Some people do not have the energy to decorate, shop, travel, or show up. Many of us will consider spending Christmas in Barbados, or anywhere else that offers refuge from the holidays.

We all grieve in our unique way. Some people are more public in their grief, while others prefer solitude. Our ability to cope with our pain varies, and we use different methods to get through our grieving days. And, some days are easier than others. And so, before you get on board that airplane to Barbados, you may want to consider a few things.

Holidays are all about rituals and traditions. These offer us a comfortable groove for getting through the holidays. Once we find our groove, we do not have to process every decision and routine concern. Instead, we can focus on less everyday experiences, especially those rooted in our grief. We invest our limited emotional energy we save in coping with the painful memories. We can deal with the sadness of those special moments. During the holidays, we can get into the flow. When a particularly tricky moment arrives, we can step outside of the stream and process that moment. The rituals and traditions can be a support as long as we know when to set them aside.

The holidays also bring us together with family and friends, our support group. The holidays may not be a time for a family reunion where every 2nd cousin must be invited to a meet and greet. But it can be an excellent time to reawaken the support our close friends and family can offer. These are the folks who know us well and love us anyway! We often worry about putting a damper on their holidays, but they are likely already feeling the loss as well. We gain energy and strength for our journey by leaning on one another and sharing memories and tears. We become reconnected to the larger narrative of our lives. We discover new sources of strength and hope. Our friends and family can offer us deep and meaningful support as long as we can control the invitation list.

The holidays create unique moments for re-membering, reconnecting with the part of the self that still exists within lives. When we lose one who has been more than a significant portion of our lives, a part of us dies with them. We are not the same person we were. Our story has changed. However, only a part of us dies with them. We still exist. During the holidays, we can stumble upon and become reacquainted with the faith that has sustained us, the family families that have guided us, and the history that has shaped us. Remembering the stories of the holidays recovers that part of our lives lost in grief.  We are re-membered with the who-we-were and are thus better equipped to become who-we-will-be.

Grandma: “I don’t know about going to Barbados. I just thought it would be good to get together with the kids and grandkids and maybe your sister. Nothing big, just family.”

Grandpa: “That might be okay.  But we don’t have to kill ourselves, decorating and cooking and all that stuff.”

Grandma: “Everyone could bring a dish, and we could exchange gifts. You could make your famous Christmas Punch, and we could sit around and talk. You could tell them about what it was like growing up with your brother and sister. What do you think?”

Grandpa: “That could be hard!”

Grandma: “Yea, but we will all be together and can help each other through the hard parts.”

Grandpa: “That’s true. It is going to be hard whether we get together or not. But we are family, and we take care of each other. That’s how we get through times like this.”

Grandma: “So? No Barbados?”

Grandpa: “How about we put off Barbados until after the holidays.”

Grandma: “That sounds like a plan!”

May you find that quiet joy of this holiday season holding you gently in its arms even as you remember those whom you have lost and cherish those who continue to share your path through that shadowed valley.

Blessings,

Bob

An Everyday Kind of Grief

We are most acutely aware of grief when someone close us dies or is no longer part of our lives. Everyone who has ever been in a relationship has experienced this acute experience of grief.  But there is a grieving that happens far more frequently.  It is a grief that grows out of an accumulation of smaller losses over time.  I am tempted to call it chronic grief but, in truth, it is not a disease or unusual disruption of our lives.  This everyday kind of grief is a foreseeable part of our journey that makes up the tapestry of daily living.  It is normal and expected.  It offers its own gifts and resources to our living.  Everyday grieving is part of living so we would do well to learn to live with it and learn from it.

Grief is the experience of the body, mind, and soul as they respond to a loss in our lives.  Grief can be debilitating when these losses touch us deeply.  But most of our losses are of the everyday variety and generate an everyday variety of grief.  This grief may only last a few minutes or a whole day or more.  It may make it difficult to face the very near future, but generally, it is set aside as “life goes on.”

What are everyday losses? 

These are losses that have a limited but noteworthy impact on our lives.  (This is not to underestimate the impact of these losses.  For some people they can be more significant than for others.  However, the important factor is not the loss itself, but rather the impact of that loss on our lives.)  Below is a list of a few of the losses that can be experienced as everyday occasions for grief.

·      A Short-term Change in Health – This may include an acute condition like a cold or the flu.  It can also include a minor accident or procedure that will temporarily limit our mobility or cause discomfort.

·      Moving - It is well understood that moving is among the most stressful things that we will do in our lifetimes.   That stress may mask the grief that we may experience when we begin to adjust to our new homes.  We may miss our old routines that evolved in our old home.  We may miss the support of our neighbors or the familiarity of the house and neighborhood.  These losses can exacerbate the stress of the move and linger even when the stress has begun to wane.

·      Changing Jobs – When we initiate a lateral or upward change in our jobs, we will likely still feel the loss of the familiar people and activities that we left behind.  Even if we take a voluntary demotion, we may feel the loss of the old job.

·      Loss of Relationships – People come and go through our lives.  Some move on because of a minor conflict.  Some people move on because their responsibilities leads them to a new neighborhood or community.  Sometimes folks just grow apart as their interest and circumstances change.  These losses may cause some disruption in our support network, but, in time, we find that we are able to move on, as well.

·      Change in Social Status – All except the most dedicated hermit live in a network of people.  We inhabit a status within that network that helps us understand who we are and what we do.  It may range from being a high-status leader, a mid-range participant, or a lower status wallflower with few responsibilities and limited recognition from others.  When our status moves up or down, we may feel the loss of our old position within the group.  We may long for the “old days” or fear our new obligations and place in the group.

·      Minor Financial Losses – In our day to day lives our bank accounts move up and down.  Whether we live month-to-month or year-to-year we will have unexpected expenses or shortfalls in income.  When these changes come, we may have to “tighten our belts” in the short-term or make some unpleasant but temporary adjustments to our lifestyle.  In such moments we know we will get through them, but we may miss the things that we have had to give up in order to get through the “rough waters.”

·      Lifestyle Changes – Many of the changes listed above can lead to a change in the way we live our lives.  Many find a way to make the best of their situation and have become relatively comfortable in their day-to-day living.  They develop the routines and relationships that take care of the bulk of their needs.  They make compromises with the needs and desires.  All of us grow into a lifestyle that we have come to count on even though we may still wish for more.  However, those changes will likely be reflected in changes in our lifestyle.  When these changes seep into our daily living we may miss the “good old days” or no longer enjoy those last vestiges of a lifestyle that otherwise has been left behind.

·      Interrupted Routines – Stuff happens!  When it does, we may have to change the way we have always done things.  This could be as simple as having to find a new way to work because of road construction or as complicated as having to adjust to physical limitations that come with age.  Once again, the loss of the “the good old days” may become a source of grief.

·      Lesser Disappointments and Unfulfilled Expectations – No one gets all their wants and wishes.  Disappointment and unmet expectations are part of our daily story.  When they happen, we have to adjust our lives to make room for them.  We may lament the expected future that has been lost, at least in the short-term.  We may grieve the changes that must happen in order to get around the circumstances that led to the disappointment. 

Accumulated Grief

Individually, these losses may not be earth shattering or ultimately life changing.  But, as they accumulate, the grief that gathers around them can become significant.  As long as they are few in number, we can find the resources we need to cope with them.  But as they accumulate, we may find those resources are insufficient to carry their combined weight.  They can begin to have a greater impact on our daily living and, in the extreme, can become debilitating.  When these lesser losses accumulate in our body, mind, and soul they can become life changing.

The cumulative effect of the everyday kind of grief can:

·      Poison the Soul – They can alter the very nature of our inner voice.  We can become bitter and angry with ourselves or those around us.  We may find it difficult to be content and feel an inner restlessness.  Our soul may feel “out of sync” with our situation and we struggle to beyond our feeling that life has betrayed us.

·      Taint the Mind – The accumulation of everyday grief can also alter our ability to reason and process information.  The dark cloud may obscure the facts in our life that would help us deal with our grief.  There may be signs that our situation is turning around, but our mind has become distrustful and discounts those changes.  We become near-sighted and cannot see beyond our present circumstances.  We may come to believe that we will never escape this grief. 

·      Weaken the Body – Accumulated everyday grief can change the way we eat, sleep, exercise, or otherwise care for our body.  It can also change the way we perceive the world around us.  We may go into comfort eating, relying on unhealthy habits.  We make find ourselves unable to sleep or trapped in cycle of extended sleeping and napping.  We may not get the exercise we need or, we may try and do the “Forrest Gump”, and try and run our grief out.  We may find it difficult to bathe or show up for medical appointments.  All of this may affect the ability of the body to “bounce back” from our burden of minor losses.

Accumulated grief can eat away at our joy and hope.  It can dampen our capacity for love and trust.  It can leave us at the side of the road, broken down, and unable to call for help.  To paraphrase a line from The Crown, we may feel that we have become more of a spectator than a participant in our own lives.

The Good News

There is good news in the experience of our everyday losses.  If we recognize and accept responsibility for them and acknowledge the grief that accompanies them, we can grow through them.  They will teach us about ourselves and ways to deal with our grief.  In doing so we can increase our capacity for coping.   They can help us understand what is truly important to us as we feel our losses and explore the reasons for those feelings.  As we get through those lesser losses, we can discover just how resilient we can be.  Further, the ways that we cope with these less-threatening losses can point us toward ways to adapt those learnings to greater losses.  These small losses can help us acquire what we need to deal with the bigger losses that await us in the future. 

Just knowing that we can get through a shadowed valley makes the journey afterward a bit easier.  We know we will bounce back.  We have before and we will again.  We can develop a resilience that will serve us well in times of deeper loss.

When acknowledged and well incorporated into our self-knowledge, we become better grounded in who we are and what is important to us.  We can discover a deeper appreciation for our life and the lives of those around us.  This growing self-awareness will awaken our minds to seeing and celebrating the known and the unknowable in our life.

As we acquire a greater confidence about ourselves and new skills in dealing with loss, we become healthier and better able to ride the “waves of change” that wash up on the edges of our lives.  We are able to relax into our living by letting go of many of our fears, disappointments, and feelings of guilt that arise from our losses.

By embracing our everyday kind of grief, we allow it to shape us and teach us about the real key that unlocks the mystery of life.  We only grieve what we love.  Let it teach you that love!  And as you acknowledge and embrace that love, may you feel the joy, hope and trust that it will create. 

A lifetime of learning to grieve will allow us to grow into a new being filled with a healthy spirit and able to withstand all that we may encounter along our path.  May we live with our grief and learn from it.

Blessings,

Bob