Sometimes, the world just gets us down. There are no real regrets to speak of or major disappointments to ride out. Our lives have been bumping along as usual, but we just do not seem to have much energy or enthusiasm for our usual projects. We are not particularly sad or unusually upset about anything. We could be bored or just feeling blah. Or we could be grieving in an ordinary, everyday sort of way.
This low-grade grief occurs when the little and not-unexpected losses pile up in our daily lives. We may have broken our favorite coffee mug in the dishwasher, or the store was out of our favorite breakfast cereal. We may have just heard that a favorite childhood sports hero or actor has died, or we found a small hole in our most comfortable jeans. It could be that we had a flat on our car and were late to work, ruining our streak of being on time for the last year. Individually, none of these events would prompt much of a grief response. But as they accumulate, the tiny losses pile up, and we may begin to feel our enthusiasm for getting out of bed each morning begin to wane. We may be less able to roll with the punches. We may say to ourselves, "I don't know what else can go wrong." This could be an everyday grief that deserves to be recognized, acknowledged, and accounted for in our daily routines.
We all, without exception, experience a baseline of everyday grieving at one time or another. It is the sum total of our little disappointments and losses, which are a natural part of everyday life. Its intensity will vary among people and in different seasons of life.
Still, the experience itself is a shared human condition.
It is helpful to look at it as background music to the conversation between our body, mind, and soul. This internal conversation generally helps us assess and decide on a course of action in our day-to-day living. We wake up and notice that our back is sore. The body tells the mind, and the mind remembers that heavy rock you moved yesterday and suggests you take it easy for the day. The soul chimes in with disappointment because you had hoped to get that garden plot cleared today. But you resign yourself to taking it easy for the day. Your body, mind, and soul have helped you negotiate a sore back, a delay in a garden project, and your plans for the day. This is the human spirit at work on an ordinary day. Our everyday grief may darken this conversation and shade our feelings away from our resolve to take it easy.
An unacknowledged everyday grief may lead us to push through because the mind or soul was not fully engaged in the conversation. The mind may not admit to the list of losses we have experienced in our last few days. The soul may not pay attention to our disappointments, and our mind may ignore our feelings about longer and longer 'to-do' lists and plans. Our body may be going along with the subterfuge by ignoring our weariness. In the process, our little losses accumulate until they spill over into our consciousness through physical pain, mental fatigue, or emotional weariness. A background tune of sadness or dolefulness plays in our psyche, colors our attention, and saps our strength. This is everyday grief that needs to be acknowledged and addressed.
Acknowledging it, we take the first step towards regaining control over our emotional well-being.
Grief may not be pleasant in itself, but it is a necessary part of our inner lives. Everyday grief, in particular, is an important element in our daily lives.
First, it reminds us that life is always moving. It is never static, even when we want it to be. Many of us like our routines. The older we get, the more comfortable we become with our “trails” through our day. We do not need to look for better ways to do things. We become blind to new opportunities presented by fresh circumstances and routines that no longer serve us very well. We forget that life follows a timeline, and we are well advised to pay attention to time’s arrow. Life is change. Without change, life stands still and becomes part of yesterday. Tomorrow fades from view. Everyday grief helps us remember and cherish our day-to-day journey through our lives.
Second, everyday grief makes us sensitive to some things and numbs us to others. Grief allows us to receive a friend's comfort or a stranger's kindness. When we feel vulnerable during grief, we are much more apt to appreciate when neighbors stop by because they thought we needed a little cheering up. Likewise, when that gossipy co-worker shows up at the coffee pot ready to give you the latest "poop,” our grief may lead us to walk away because we don't have the energy for it now. Acknowledging our everyday grief allows us to cope when our lives get “complicated!”
Third, everyday grief is a powerful tool that helps us connect and empathize with others in similar circumstances. It is not a weakness but a strength that makes us more human and humane. A body, mind, and soul experiencing grief become keenly attuned to other people's facial expressions, body language, and language of grief. It enables us to experience another's humanity in real and meaningful ways, fostering a bond essential for everyday life. We are not living among strangers. We are among friends and family who make our grief more bearable. Everyday grief is a path to finding our tribe in an increasingly combative world.
Fourth, everyday grief helps us maintain a keen perspective on ourselves and our place in the world. It reminds us that we are of the earth, humus. This is the root of humility, which means knowing and accepting ourselves as we are rather than how we would rather be. It creates an environment for authenticity and self-acceptance that promotes a healthy mind, body, and soul conversation. We are of value because we are human, not despite being human. Our psyche has no place for hubris, arrogance, or exceptionalism. Everyday grief helps us replace them with a healthy dose of reality.
Despite the opportunities that everyday grief offers the human spirit, it also makes us more vulnerable to more significant losses. Suppose our baseline everyday grief is high, and we are unaware of it. In that case, when a major loss occurs, we are unprepared for the ride into sadness. A major loss will magnify the usual elements of grief: shock, denial, anger, and bargaining. We will feel even more out of control and struggle to understand why a particular loss is so devasting. Everyday grief has, unknowingly, absorbed so much of our energy for coping when a big loss strikes. We discover that we may have very little left. It is not unlike driving with a broken gas gauge. If you are unaware of how little gas you have, you will be surprised when you run out on your way home from the store. This lack of energy in our body, mind, and soul will render our grief even more difficult and painful.
For this reason alone, it is very important that we recognize and address our everyday grief. When we accept and understand our "feeling blue" with self-awareness, we will not be taken by surprise when a major loss knocks us to the ground and makes it impossible to get up. By acknowledging and accepting our blue feelings as a symptom of everyday grief, we will be better equipped to cope when more significant losses occur.
How can we address everyday grief?
First, take note of your losses, especially the small ones. This may be as simple as admitting you will miss that broken coffee mug. This acknowledgment will be recorded in your memory so that your mind can recall it and other losses when you begin to question your soul about why it feels down. There is no need to dwell on each small loss, but they should not be ignored either. They do accumulate.
When you start experiencing negative feelings that do not jive with your recent experiences, do not look for a “zebra” when you can see the pony. Do not assume that you are slipping into a clinical depression or are suffering from a brain tumor. (Yes, I have had bereaved people report that they have stayed up all night worrying about these things instead of attributing them to their grief.) Simply ask yourself when those darker moods appear, “Could this be grief?” and then sort through your memories for those smaller losses.
If you believe that you are experiencing everyday grief, do not dismiss it with “It will pass!” Give yourself time to grieve. Spend an afternoon with your feelings and cut back on your expectations of yourself and others. Allow yourself to throttle back and be gentle with yourself. Grief will not pass until it is acknowledged and addressed. It takes time, and you are the only one who can give yourself that gift of time.
If you are concerned that it is taking longer than you expected, it may be time to seek out a trusted friend. This could be a professional or a layperson you trust to be honest with you and who has walked this road before. This friend is not there to give you advice. Rather, they are a sounding board as you sort through your feelings and memories. They are there to help you put the pieces together so that you can make peace with your grief.
Finally, allow the grief to move through your days, but look ahead with hope. At first, grief seldom offers us hope. But we need to remind ourselves that there is light at the end of that shadowed valley. At first, this will require an act of faith in believing. But as you walk the road, look for signs that the light is appearing in the darkness. This is especially true of everyday grief. If we ignore it or believe that it is evidence of worse things to come, everyday grief can cripple our body, mind, and soul. But with hope, it can add immeasurable richness to your life.
Grief, even low-grade everyday grief, demands its day. Allow yourself time to walk the road and keep your body, mind, and soul in conversation as you seek the other side of your darkness.
Walk gently, my friends. You are a precious gift to the rest of us.
Bob