Christmas in Barbados?

Grandpa: “How does Christmas in Barbados sound?”

Grandma: “That sounds great, but the kids can’t afford to make that trip. Are we going to pay their way?”

Grandpa: “Why would I do that?”

Grandpa loved his children and grandchildren. He would do anything for them. And Grandma was initially, both confused and concerned when she heard his response.

It had been a tough year for the family. Grandpa had lost a beloved sister and brother. A couple of his coffee group buddies had moved away to be with their children. His best friend had died just a few months before. Grandpa also had a few medical tests scheduled for after the holidays. His grief was etched in his face as he looked at his life-long companion and proposed Christmas in Barbados. Grandma began to see through the question. She saw the deep sadness in his heart.

Grandma replied, “Let’s talk about it!”

Many people who are wandering in the shadowed valley cannot see themselves “celebrating the holidays.” Their hurting spirits are fragile. The treasured memories are too painful to hold. The tears are also near the surface, and they fear that once they start flowing, they may not stop. Some folks do not want to dampen other’s holiday spirit. Some people do not have the energy to decorate, shop, travel, or show up. Many of us will consider spending Christmas in Barbados, or anywhere else that offers refuge from the holidays.

We all grieve in our unique way. Some people are more public in their grief, while others prefer solitude. Our ability to cope with our pain varies, and we use different methods to get through our grieving days. And, some days are easier than others. And so, before you get on board that airplane to Barbados, you may want to consider a few things.

Holidays are all about rituals and traditions. These offer us a comfortable groove for getting through the holidays. Once we find our groove, we do not have to process every decision and routine concern. Instead, we can focus on less everyday experiences, especially those rooted in our grief. We invest our limited emotional energy we save in coping with the painful memories. We can deal with the sadness of those special moments. During the holidays, we can get into the flow. When a particularly tricky moment arrives, we can step outside of the stream and process that moment. The rituals and traditions can be a support as long as we know when to set them aside.

The holidays also bring us together with family and friends, our support group. The holidays may not be a time for a family reunion where every 2nd cousin must be invited to a meet and greet. But it can be an excellent time to reawaken the support our close friends and family can offer. These are the folks who know us well and love us anyway! We often worry about putting a damper on their holidays, but they are likely already feeling the loss as well. We gain energy and strength for our journey by leaning on one another and sharing memories and tears. We become reconnected to the larger narrative of our lives. We discover new sources of strength and hope. Our friends and family can offer us deep and meaningful support as long as we can control the invitation list.

The holidays create unique moments for re-membering, reconnecting with the part of the self that still exists within lives. When we lose one who has been more than a significant portion of our lives, a part of us dies with them. We are not the same person we were. Our story has changed. However, only a part of us dies with them. We still exist. During the holidays, we can stumble upon and become reacquainted with the faith that has sustained us, the family families that have guided us, and the history that has shaped us. Remembering the stories of the holidays recovers that part of our lives lost in grief.  We are re-membered with the who-we-were and are thus better equipped to become who-we-will-be.

Grandma: “I don’t know about going to Barbados. I just thought it would be good to get together with the kids and grandkids and maybe your sister. Nothing big, just family.”

Grandpa: “That might be okay.  But we don’t have to kill ourselves, decorating and cooking and all that stuff.”

Grandma: “Everyone could bring a dish, and we could exchange gifts. You could make your famous Christmas Punch, and we could sit around and talk. You could tell them about what it was like growing up with your brother and sister. What do you think?”

Grandpa: “That could be hard!”

Grandma: “Yea, but we will all be together and can help each other through the hard parts.”

Grandpa: “That’s true. It is going to be hard whether we get together or not. But we are family, and we take care of each other. That’s how we get through times like this.”

Grandma: “So? No Barbados?”

Grandpa: “How about we put off Barbados until after the holidays.”

Grandma: “That sounds like a plan!”

May you find that quiet joy of this holiday season holding you gently in its arms even as you remember those whom you have lost and cherish those who continue to share your path through that shadowed valley.

Blessings,

Bob