Public vs. Private Grieving

The San Juans in the Fall of 2017

“There are two types of people in the world: 

those who prefer to be sad among others, 

and those who prefer to be sad alone.”  ~Nicole Krauss

Most folks are beginning to understand that everyone grieves in their own way and in their own time.   We cannot, nor should we tell people how they should feel or how they should grieve.  Our grief flows out of a specific mix or circumstances, personal beliefs, personality traits, and deep-seated needs.  One author has identified over 140 criteria that determine how we respond to losses in our lives.  And I am sure this number is conservative.  Families and friends often find it most difficult to accept two extremes in grieving, the “behind closed doors” griever and the “all too public” griever. 

The Behind Closed Doors Grievers keeps their sadness and grief under close watch.  While in public they maintain a stiff upper lip and deflect any attempt by others to see their hurting.  The All Too Public Griever lets it all hang out in public.  They document every moment on social media and make sure that everyone in the room knows what they are going through.  Both of these grievers make us uncomfortable.  We may be concerned that they are not really grieving and are burying their feelings.  Or, we may feel that they are losing themselves in their grief.

However, people do, in fact, grieve in their own way.  Some of it may depend on whether they are an introvert or an extrovert.  This is not about being shy or wanting to be the center of attention. 

An introvert draws energy from being alone with their thoughts and feelings. They prefer to ponder a problem or difficult situation.  They may read or listen to music or do nothing at all.  They process their feelings and thoughts within themselves.  But they do draw the strength they need to deal with their grief from their solitude. 

The extrovert needs people to find their energy to cope with their grief.  They are not sure about what they are experiencing or feeling until they have shared them with others.  Their inner life can be quite chaotic and unintelligible to themselves until they hear and see it played out in relationship with others.  They talk through their problems with others, listening more keenly to themselves than to their companions.  They can acknowledge their hurt and hope when they have been able to release the burden of their inner turmoil with others.  In short, they process their feelings and thoughts outside of themselves.

For the introvert, we simply need to give them the space they need.  If they know that we are truly available to them in their grief, they will seek us out when they are ready “to go public.”  For the extrovert, we simply need to be there and listen, recognizing that they are not really talking to us.  Respectful listening and acknowledgement of their feelings and ideas is all that is required.  

Companioning the bereaved, regardless of how they grieve, requires respect for the person, deep empathy, and attentive listening.  We are there to walk with them, not show them the way.  The grieving are busy finding themselves and their own way through the jungle of feelings and responsibilities.  They need someone who will be there when they reach out for a hand to hold.  When they do, we can be that companion!  

Blessings,

Bob