The First Few Days

The Grand Canyon (Summer 2003)

Immediately following a significant loss in our lives we enter a very strange world.   For some it will be a time and place like no other.  It may be somewhat familiar but it is populated with intense feelings and circumstances that seem strange and unexplored.  We may feel completely unprepared for our new and unwanted life.

No one experiences these times exactly the same.  But some of these experiences may occur.

Disorientation – Things “just ain’t right”.  We find it difficult to get our bearings.  The things that order and guide our day are not where they are supposed to be.  We may be feeling lost in our “familiar” surroundings.

Dealing with Extended Family and Friends – All kinds of folks are showing up and wanting to help.  We may know them very well but they may be acting strangely.  We may feel that they are intruding.  They keep asking what they can do and we have no idea.  We may appreciate them very much but we also may need some space.

Griefquakes – These are sudden emotional tremors that that can be quite unsettling and frightening.  They may also make others uncomfortable.  When they happen people may push Kleenex at us.  They leave us feeling physically, mentally,  and emotionally shaky.

Funeral Planning – We will likely be making a trip to the Funeral Home, picking out clothes, calling family and friends, and dealing with a myriad of details we would rather not be doing.  The only good thing is that doing all of this  keeps the mind busy.  We may not want any help because it feels better doing these things than not doing them.

Changes in Routines of Daily Life (including sleep, eating, managing our affairs) – Many of our daily routines may just have to wait to make room for other stuff.  We will have to spend some time deciding what, when, and by whom things need to get done.   To complicate matters, it all has to be done without the routine that makes our daily life easier.

A Change in Ability to Go With the Flow – Even if we are usually able to deal with interruptions and surprises, this time period may make even the smallest thing a major disruption.  We may be prone to over reacting or being too slow to react.  Our capacity to let things work themselves out may not be very effective.  We may not be able to know when to paddle and when to glide.

Challenges to our Beliefs or Faith – We may find ourselves dealing with questions we believed were long resolved.  We may question why this death even happened.  Our lives are not supposed to happen this way.  We may feel disappointed that God did not fix this.  We may even feel ashamed because our faith should be stronger.

Each of these are possible experiences during those first few days following the death of loved one.  The closer we were to our loved one and the more sudden the death occurred increases the likelihood of a higher number and severity of these experiences.  What can we do during these first few days?  Here are a few suggestions.

Accept help, but not too much.  There are clearly some things you will need and/or want to do.  But there are other things that you can delegate.  When you are able, make a list and ask friends as what they can do.  Check the list and do not be bashful.  You are saving your energy and helping them feel good about helping out.

Allow yourself to express your feelings.   There are a number of feelings that will wash over you.  Some are hurtful and others are helpful.  They may involve tears and/or laughter.  Allow yourself to feel them all.  If they become too intense, remind yourself that feelings happen but you are in control over how you respond to them.  You may want to walk them off or simply sit and allow yourself to grow through them.

Give yourself plenty of time to do what needs to be done.  Efficiency is not the highest value right now.  You will likely find that the distractions and inability to concentrate will make the simplest task a bit more involved.  Be patient with yourself and others.

First things first.  The old advice holds true, do not major in minors.  Prioritize your responsibilities.  Allow yourself to set some things aside but do not procrastinate on urgent matters.

Save your energy.  Keep some in reserve for the unexpected and expected.  The next few days will have their share of surprises.  Do not use up your energy in the first few days.  Even when the family and friends leave following the services, you will need energy just to get out of bed.

Be gentle with yourself.  Finally, give yourself a break.  You have likely been through a life changing experience.  Very little feels normal right now.  Treat yourself well.  Make allowances.  Forgive yourself if you make a mistake.  Apologize if others are hurt, they will likely understand.  Make room in your soul to grieve through these first few days.

Remember, you are loved.  Your life has been changed and will never be like it was.  But know that you will not have to go through this alone unless you want to.  If your loss was expected and followed a long goodbye, you may find yourself bouncing back more quickly.  But regardless, the first few days will offer unique challenges.  But you can face with a little help from your friends.

Shalom,

Bob