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| Rocky Mountain National Park |
All grief is complicated.
It touches our lives, body-mind-soul, in countless ways. It involves clashing experiences, beliefs,
and emotions. These show themselves in
the common expressions of grief that were noted by Elizabeth Kübler-Ross
in her study of dying people.
They are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. (These have been misused as stages of
grief.) Within these expressions of the
inner experience of loss there are currents and cross-currents of feelings,
experiences, encounters, and sensations that feel like being adrift on a
chaotic storm-tossed sea.
For most folks, these common expressions of grief will
subside and they will be able cope more effectively with their loss. Some will find these experiences easing within
a few days. For others it may take a
week or more. But for a few, these
experiences can last for a very, very long time. This extended period of grief is called
Complicated Grief. There are many reasons
why this occurs.
Coping Skills
We all have a limited amount of emotional energy. Some folks have the energy to carry a load of
emotions farther than others. Some of us
run out of the strength to bear up under the weight of stress more quickly than
others. We are all different and the
energy we have available at any one moment will vary according to our inner and
outer circumstances. Once the energy
runs out, the waves of emotion come crashing over the bulkhead and we risk
being washed out to sea.
But it is not simply the amount of energy we have
available. We each have varying
capacities for using what energy we have effectively. This capacity is called coping. The skills for coping with the powerful
emotions that arise during grief are learned.
They include things we can do in the world around us as well
as ways that we handle that inner voice.
For the widower who has never washed a load of clothes, knowing how to
run the washer and dryer can be a coping skill.
For the widow who has never faced being alone, the ability to be quiet
and still is a coping skill. Coping
skills vary but all offer us the ability to deal with the powerful emotions
that come with the loss of someone close to us.
We acquire some of these skills by experience and observation. The spouse who has never handled the
checkbook can learn how in a short time.
The adult child who has depended on their parent for encouragement can
learn to incorporate those lifetime of learnings into their inner
dialogue. The child who has seen their
parents cope effectively with the death of their parents will have observed
ways that they can effectively cope when they lose a parent.
Further, experience in using our acquired coping skills
strengthens them for the future. We
learn to deal with our losses and those moments become life lessons for future
losses. However, every loss is different
and not all the skills will be equally effective in any given loss. Therefore, it is important that we continue
to grow through each loss and accept what each one has to offer. Experience and observation can give us
effective ways to cope and reinforce that bulkhead when the waves of grief
begin pounding on our lives. An
ineffective or limited set of coping skills can further complicate our grief.
Good Support
A second factor that can make our journey through grief more
complicated is a lack of meaningful support.
This support is usually available from friends and family. But it can also come from co-workers, colleagues,
or people who have been through a similar type of loss. In effect, support helps us make the most of
the energy we have and can, in some instances, replenish lost energy to cope
with our loss. In fact, good support can
supplement our lack of effective coping.
Meaningful support allows us to share some of the energy from those
around us.
When a friend offers to come over and share a cup of coffee,
the person in grief can talk about things beyond their own grief. This brief break from the inner turmoil allows
them to rebuild their reserves. If the
conversation involves laughter and sharing in someone else’s life for a brief
time, this refills their depleted reservoirs.
When a grandchild throws their arms around a recently widowed
grandmother, the boundless energy of love pours into her life. When we hear someone describe our feelings of
loss from their own life, we can feel the energy of relationship seeping into
our tired soul. Meaningful support can
supplement the waning reserves of energy as we find our way through our grief.
But support can also provide the strength we need when our
own stores are depleted. Having a
daughter balance our checkbook or take over paying the bills can free up that
energy for just getting through the week.
Having a friend or two bring over a casserole in meal-sized portions can
lessen the burden of just feeding our body.
(Sitting down and sharing that meal with them may also refill the
reservoir.) A simple smile from someone
you know is hurting as well can lift the load from your shoulders as help you
find your way through a difficult moment.
Meaningful support can both help you conserve your energy
and use your coping skills more effectively.
It can help replenish the energy that has been used getting through your
grief. Cultivating and relying upon that
support can help uncomplicate your grief.
When there is a lack of support or we do not utilize it, our grief can
become even more complicated. The waves
that come over the bulkhead have an easier time causing you to lose your
footing.
Stressors
A third set of factors that complicate our grief are the
various stressors that accumulate during our lives. These are situations or events that add
stress to our lives and use up the energy we need to cope with our grief. These may not be directly connected to our
loss. They may simply be parts of our
lives that we have learned to deal with over time. But when we find ourselves facing a difficult
loss they may take on more power to complicate our lives. There are three types of these stressors;
inner stressors, situational stressors, and relational stressors.
Inner stressors include beliefs, attitudes, emotional and intellectual baggage. Our religious or philosophical beliefs can
either make our loss easier to bear or more difficult to accept. Our attitudes about ourselves and those
around us can complicate our ability to accept support. The baggage we carry from previous
experiences, such as loss, can add to our burden in this time of grief. Unfortunately, many people are poorly
equipped to deal with this type of stressor because they may not even be aware
of its presence. It often takes a friend
or trusted companion to help us deal with these inner stressors.
Situational Stressors are those life situations that make
our journey more difficult to navigate.
They may include recent deaths, illness of self or family member,
financial problems, or physical limitations.
These stressors can continue to absorb the energy you need to cope with
your loss. Many of them can be addressed
with effective support strategies or awareness that they are present in your
life. Find ways to accommodate your
daily living to account for them and you can minimize their impact.
Relational Stressors refer to those relationships that can
interfere with your coping and support.
These may include your relationship to the deceased, the relationships
you share with your support groups, and social factors surrounding your
relationships. Losing a spouse can often
be more difficult to bear than losing an acquaintance. If we are particularly close to or dependent
upon the person who has died, that loss of the relationship can make the grief
more difficult to bear. Further, if you
are estranged from the people who would normally be available for support, such
as friends or family, this can make grief more complicated. Finally, if your relationship to the deceased
is not seen as acceptable to your social group or society as a whole does not
recognize that you have a right to grieve for this person, your grief can
become more difficult. In some groups
having an LGTBQ relationship with the deceased denies your right to
grieve. For some groups, a couple having
an extramarital affair are not allowed to show their grief when the other
partner dies. There are other variants,
but the result can be the same. Without
social acceptance of our grief, the journey can become much more complicated.
This is not a complete list of stressors that can complicate
our griefwork. These are the most common. Bur regardless of the stressor, they can make
our ability to cope and/or find support for our journey much more
difficult. Many times, all we can do is
accommodate ourselves to them.
What Can I do?
If you are on the edge of a journey through grief, I
encourage you to take stock of your risks for complicated grief. How do you feel about your ability to cope
with this loss? Can you see any areas
where you will need some support? Do you
have support available and can you see yourself using it when the time
comes? Are there some stressors that may
make your grief more difficult? What
accommodations can you see that will help you deal with any expected complications
in your grief? Finally, it is not
uncommon to over or under estimate your ability to cope, the support that will
be available, or the stressors that may make it more difficult to cope. Do not be surprised. Every grief is complicated.
If you are in the midst of grief simply recognize that a
lack of coping skills, limited support, and the presence of multiple stressors
can make your grief more intense. This
is not your fault, it is simply a reality for you in this time in your
life. If you suspect your grief is more
complicated than you expected, find help.
Support is available from trusted friends. You can also call a local hospice company for
help whether your loved one was on service with them or not. They can either provide you with the help you
need or put you in touch with someone who can.
Counseling and therapy are available and usually covered by health care
plans. If you feel that you grief is
being complicated by any of the factors listed above, it would be worth a phone
call to explore your options.
Lastly, if you have a loved one facing a complicated grief
experience there is nothing more healing than simply being there for them. Often, a non-judgmental voice and a warm hand
can give them what they need to get through the moment. If something more is needed, offer your
encouragement and support to help them find the help they want.
Grief is always complicated.
Everyone experiences grief differently each time they encounter it. Fortunately there is much that can happen to
help us deal when these complications arise.
With more effective coping skills, meaningful support, and limiting the
power of stressors, we can find a way to weather the storm of grief until the
sun begins to peek under the storm clouds as a new day begins to dawn. How long will it take? Just long enough for us to grow through our grief
and into a new life.
Blessings,
Bob
Bob’s new book, Whispering Presence: Inviting Mystery to be Your
Daily Companion, is now available from amazon.com in both print and kindle
editions. Search for “Whispering
Presence” in Amazon. You can download a
free excerpt from Amazon in Kindle. If
you want a companion who can help you find something more in your life, get
your copy today.
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