A Vacation from Grief

There is an old illustration that demonstrates the effects of long-term, unrelieved stress.  Take a full 12 oz. water bottle and hold it in your hand with your arm extended fully to the side.  Easy, right?  Just wait!  The longer you hold the bottle the weaker your arm and shoulders become.  Eventually your arm will shake and the muscle with give out.  You will have to put it down or let it fall. 

Our ability to carry a load in the short-term has very little to do with carrying even the lightest load for the long-term.  We will exhaust our strength and have to let go.  The good news is that if we set the bottle down for a little while, we will recover our strength and can pick it up again.

Many used to believe that this was caused by a build-up of lactic acid in the muscles.  But modern research has shown that this muscle fatigue is due to the muscle becoming more acidic which causes burning and the shakiness.  The acidic build up lessens the ability of the nerves to support the muscle contractions.  The body releases lactose to neutralize the change in pH but this is only temporary.   The only cure is to relax the muscles and let the chemistry return to normal.

This illustration serves as a good example of what happens when we walk through the shadowed valley of grief.  It takes a great deal of energy to cope with the myriad of details, situations, social expectations, and emotions that arise with a loss of someone important to us.  We may not feel the weight of the grief and mourning at first.  (Grief is the internal experience of our loss while mourning is the external expression of our grief.)  In fact, we may find comfort in “taking care of things.”  Staying busy and taking care of ourselves and others occupies a good part of our lives.  But, like the water bottle, this activity does cause us to use energy and we will grow tired.  At first, a nap or a good night’s sleep may be enough for us to get back to our mourning and grief work.  But these may become less and less effective as the days wear on.  We may find that a nap no longer helps as much as it did.  We may try and sleep later in the morning but still wake up and not feel very well rested. 

The grief will continue to cause stress on our body-mind-soul.  The coping will use up our energy and, as our energy supply gets lower, we will find it more difficult to cope with our physical fatigue, our thoughts, and our feelings.  We will either have to “set the bottle down” or risk dropping it all together.

Time for a Little Vacation from Your Grief

How do you set that “water bottle” of grief down?  How about a little vacation from your grief?

In the lingo of bereavement this is called a respite.  But I prefer the word vacation.  Respite means to take a break from.  It looks back at what we are leaving behind.  It feels like we are walking away from our grief and most folks are uncomfortable with that.  They feel that their grief is part of their love for the person they have lost.  By walking away from the grief, we feel that they are walking away from them.  But taking a break is not about our grief and the person we are grieving.  It is all about who we are as one in grief.  It is all about taking care of ourselves for the long-haul so that we can continue to love and cherish our memories of the person we are grieving.

A vacation is defined as a period when we vacate a part of our lives so that we can engage in recreation.  Vacation does not focus on what we are leaving.  Instead, it focuses on what we are recreating?  It is not about what we have lost, but about who we are and who we are becoming on this side of the loss.  Most folks who take a vacation know that they will be returning to their lives.  They will go back to work.  Likewise, we will return to our grief and mourning work.  However, we expect to return with more energy and an improved attitude in our daily lives.  Vacations are all about self-care and the future.  Respite feels a lot like escape from the past.  When the bottle gets too heavy to hold and our lives are feeling shaky, it is time for a vacation.  It is time to set the bottle down and recreate.

What sort of vacation should I take?  Vacations come in all shapes and sizes.  I have taken “staycations” of a few days and month-long trips with the family.  Your circumstances will help you discover the vacation that will best serve your needs.  Here are a few things to consider.

Length of time

There are certainly benefits and disadvantages to long and short vacations.  How long will you need?  It is really hard to say.  The strange thing about grief is that every instance is unique to our present situation.   It is hard to predict.  We learn from taking work vacations that two weeks may be too little or too much.  We may prefer several long weekends to one long week away.  It really depends of our circumstances.   

For a grief vacation, it is advisable to plan for a particular period of time but leave room for cutting or extending it.  It is also a good idea to keep you plans as flexible as possible.  The depth our weariness can make a longer period necessary, but it may also add to the stress you are already carrying.

One of my bereaved folks planned a 10-day cruise with her son and daughter-in-law.  It appeared, up front, to be a perfect trip.  They would be exploring a part of the world they had never seen.  They enjoyed each other’s company and allowed for free time apart from one another.  It was well-planned.  When she returned, I asked her about the trip.  She said it was okay.  But she was not able to enjoy it.  Every mealtime she saw couples her own age enjoying each other, and she could only think about the future that had been taken from her.  She enjoyed being with her son and his wife, but she felt like she was in the way and kept them from enjoying their cruise.  Most of all, she told me that after the fifth day at sea, she woke up and asked herself, “What am I doing here?”  She said that if she could, she would have jumped on a plane and come home.

A cruise may be just the thing for your vacation, but it does lock you in.  You may want to consider a more flexible schedule, especially within the first six months of the loss.  How long?  As long as you need, but not any more than that.  Remember, it is about you and your needs.

Companions

Another question that will arise is “Who should I take with me or should I go alone?” Again, there is no pat answer for this.  It depends on your needs, personality, and family/friends available.

Should I go alone or with someone else?  Most extroverts, folks who are energized by engagement with other people, may find a solo vacation rather difficult.  They will depend on finding people along the way to engage in conversation and share experiences.  Tours and other organized activities can offer this.  But they may be more comfortable having a close family member or trusted friend to share the adventure.

For introverts, folks who find energy in being by themselves, may want to limit the time they engage with others.  For them, a solo vacation may be more helpful.  If you take someone along, you need someone who understands your need for solitude, time to read or simply sit and enjoy the day.  Being solo can make travel more stressful dealing with the details.  A group tour can also be more stressful as you struggle to deal with the extroverts in the group who want to know all about you.  All of this should be considered.

What sort of companions should I choose?  These vacations may include trips or simple days spent exploring your interests close to home.  Regardless, you may want to choose someone to go with you.  Family can be an excellent resource, but they will bring their grief along as well.  This may be more than you can handle.  A close friend may be an excellent choice, especially if you share common interests that you will explore together.

You may want to take a trip with or to your family.  Many times, this offers the added benifit of a change of scenery along with support.  However, you may find it difficult focusing on the future or your present as you help your family deal with their grief.  You may also find yourself having to endure being the recipient of their help for you.

Should grandparents travel with young children, i.e. their grandchildren?  The great advantage of taking grandchildren is that they can give you permission to play.  As a grandparent, just the presence of the children can lift my spirits.  However, the younger the children, the more care they may need.  If this gives you energy, it can be a great experience.  If not, it may be best to give yourself an escape hatch if it does not serve your need for a break.  A final gift that children offer us is to keep us looking to the future, their future!

If you are considering your co-workers as companions for your vacation, you may want to consider these points.  Co-workers can be a great resource for companionship if you are still working.  However, you will want to consider a brief vacation in the break room over a cup of coffee.   Your level of trust must be exceedingly high if you are to invite someone along on a trip or a weekend away.  There are those who prey on the grieving.  They may see them as a source of financial gain, sexual exploitation, or leverage in the workplace.  I believe most workplace companions need to remain in the workplace.  They can be invaluable in that setting.

Activities

“What should I do on my vacation for recreation?”  To recreate suggests that we look at the present and the future and do things that appeal to both.  Travel is only one option and it tends to limit our ability to change our plans and respond to immediate needs.  It does offer a change of scenery and new experiences for the body-mind-soul.  But your vacations should not be limited to travel.

You may want to consider some short-term volunteer work.  This may mean a once-a-week trip to a children’s center, clinic, library, school, or nursing home.  Be careful to avoid placing yourself in the situation that will touch your grief and remind you of your recent loss.  If you took care of your spouse in a nursing home, you may want to avoid volunteering in one for your vacation.  You may do so for other reasons but plan on some other activities for your grief vacation.  Most hospices require a bereaved to go one year following the loss before they can volunteer with a hospice.  Short-term volunteer work can help you look ahead and discover interests and passions for your new life.

Some bereaved may invite their grandchildren to come and stay with them.  This offers the opportunity of being playful and looking ahead as noted above.  It has the added benefit of allowing you to be part of their lives and helping them grow through and understand grief and the importance of family. 

You may also consider having coffee with folks your age on a regular basis.  This is not the same as joining a support group.  This coffee of tea group is simply about companionship and engaging the world without focusing on your grief.  Remember, a vacation is about taking a break.  There are no “busman’s holidays” in grief.

As you ponder what sort of activity you should engage in while taking a break, consider balancing the stress of change in your schedule with the recreating that will be gained.  Length of time, your choice of companions, and the activities all need to be balanced against the cost of stress and the benefit from the relaxation that comes from setting the water bottle down for a while.

How Do I Know it is Time to Come back?

Before moving on to talking with those who are taking care of one who is grieving, I want address one other question.  “How do I know that it is time to come back?”  As with most vacations, we intend on returning to our jobs.  Likewise, with a grief vacation we realize that we will return to the grief work that still remains.  This vacation is temporary.  Further, we may not be able to forecast the optimum length, who, or what before we start our vacation.  We need to be flexible enough to change any of these elements along the way.  How can we know it is time to change the plan? 

Simply put, when we can feel the strength beginning to return to our body-mind-soul, we are ready to start planning our return to our grief.  I can remember when I did the bottle exercise, I was thinking to myself, “When do I pick the bottle back up?”  I discovered that when I no longer dreaded doing so, I could pick it up again. In grief, we will not likely look forward to returning to our grief work.  But we know it must be done. Therefore, we can return from our vacation when we no longer dread the thought.  We may not want to start again, but we are no longer afraid to do so.

Returning to the routine and familiar lives will offer you some comfort.  You will bring a renewed sense of self and the energy it offers.  Your path ahead may still be unpleasant, but you will likely have more energy for coping, an openness to accepting support from those around you, and a new perspective on the things that may be stressing your grief experience.  If, upon returning, none of these things are evident, take another vacation.  It is part of your self-care as you walk the shadowed valley.

A Word to Those Who Support others in Grief

How can the family and friends help those they care about take a vacation from their grief?

The first thing you can do is to give them permission to take a break.  Sometimes our friends and family want to “psychoanalyze” the needs and motives of their grieving family member.  They may label a need to take a break as an avoidance of their grief or responsibilities. They may resent the grieving person’s choice and feel that it is dishonoring the memory of the one who died.  They may simply not see the need for the break and demand that the grieving person keep at their griefwork so that they can get through it and get on with their lives.  None of these are helpful or caring responses.

As family and friends of the grieving, we can best encourage the grieving to set the bottle down for a brief time by reassuring them that it is okay if they feel it would help.

How can you do that?  You can print and give this article to them.  You can offer to help them to sort out the questions raised above.  You can offer to give them a lift to the airport and to take care of their pets while they are gone.  You may offer to take a class with them or help them find that volunteer position.  Offer to help pay for their class or a trip.  Most of all, you can sit and listen to them as they process their needs and possibilities without judgment or throwing in your 2 cents worth unless they insist that they need you input.  The bereaved have taught me over the years that they know what they need to find their way through the shadowed valley.  Most of what we can provide to them is to help them uncover their needs, identifying ways to address them, and permission to do what they realize is necessary and important.  Help them put the water bottle down and take a break from their grief.

Blessings,

Bob

Bob’s new book, Whispering Presence: Inviting Mystery to be Your Daily Companion, is now available from amazon.com in both print and kindle editions.  You can download a free excerpt from Amazon.  If you want a companion who can help you find something more in your life, get your copy today.