Christmas in Barbados?

Grandpa: “How does Christmas in Barbados sound?”

Grandma: “That sounds great, but the kids can’t afford to make that trip. Are we going to pay their way?”

Grandpa: “Why would I do that?”

Grandpa loved his children and grandchildren. He would do anything for them. And Grandma was initially, both confused and concerned when she heard his response.

It had been a tough year for the family. Grandpa had lost a beloved sister and brother. A couple of his coffee group buddies had moved away to be with their children. His best friend had died just a few months before. Grandpa also had a few medical tests scheduled for after the holidays. His grief was etched in his face as he looked at his life-long companion and proposed Christmas in Barbados. Grandma began to see through the question. She saw the deep sadness in his heart.

Grandma replied, “Let’s talk about it!”

Many people who are wandering in the shadowed valley cannot see themselves “celebrating the holidays.” Their hurting spirits are fragile. The treasured memories are too painful to hold. The tears are also near the surface, and they fear that once they start flowing, they may not stop. Some folks do not want to dampen other’s holiday spirit. Some people do not have the energy to decorate, shop, travel, or show up. Many of us will consider spending Christmas in Barbados, or anywhere else that offers refuge from the holidays.

We all grieve in our unique way. Some people are more public in their grief, while others prefer solitude. Our ability to cope with our pain varies, and we use different methods to get through our grieving days. And, some days are easier than others. And so, before you get on board that airplane to Barbados, you may want to consider a few things.

Holidays are all about rituals and traditions. These offer us a comfortable groove for getting through the holidays. Once we find our groove, we do not have to process every decision and routine concern. Instead, we can focus on less everyday experiences, especially those rooted in our grief. We invest our limited emotional energy we save in coping with the painful memories. We can deal with the sadness of those special moments. During the holidays, we can get into the flow. When a particularly tricky moment arrives, we can step outside of the stream and process that moment. The rituals and traditions can be a support as long as we know when to set them aside.

The holidays also bring us together with family and friends, our support group. The holidays may not be a time for a family reunion where every 2nd cousin must be invited to a meet and greet. But it can be an excellent time to reawaken the support our close friends and family can offer. These are the folks who know us well and love us anyway! We often worry about putting a damper on their holidays, but they are likely already feeling the loss as well. We gain energy and strength for our journey by leaning on one another and sharing memories and tears. We become reconnected to the larger narrative of our lives. We discover new sources of strength and hope. Our friends and family can offer us deep and meaningful support as long as we can control the invitation list.

The holidays create unique moments for re-membering, reconnecting with the part of the self that still exists within lives. When we lose one who has been more than a significant portion of our lives, a part of us dies with them. We are not the same person we were. Our story has changed. However, only a part of us dies with them. We still exist. During the holidays, we can stumble upon and become reacquainted with the faith that has sustained us, the family families that have guided us, and the history that has shaped us. Remembering the stories of the holidays recovers that part of our lives lost in grief.  We are re-membered with the who-we-were and are thus better equipped to become who-we-will-be.

Grandma: “I don’t know about going to Barbados. I just thought it would be good to get together with the kids and grandkids and maybe your sister. Nothing big, just family.”

Grandpa: “That might be okay.  But we don’t have to kill ourselves, decorating and cooking and all that stuff.”

Grandma: “Everyone could bring a dish, and we could exchange gifts. You could make your famous Christmas Punch, and we could sit around and talk. You could tell them about what it was like growing up with your brother and sister. What do you think?”

Grandpa: “That could be hard!”

Grandma: “Yea, but we will all be together and can help each other through the hard parts.”

Grandpa: “That’s true. It is going to be hard whether we get together or not. But we are family, and we take care of each other. That’s how we get through times like this.”

Grandma: “So? No Barbados?”

Grandpa: “How about we put off Barbados until after the holidays.”

Grandma: “That sounds like a plan!”

May you find that quiet joy of this holiday season holding you gently in its arms even as you remember those whom you have lost and cherish those who continue to share your path through that shadowed valley.

Blessings,

Bob

An Everyday Kind of Grief

We are most acutely aware of grief when someone close us dies or is no longer part of our lives. Everyone who has ever been in a relationship has experienced this acute experience of grief.  But there is a grieving that happens far more frequently.  It is a grief that grows out of an accumulation of smaller losses over time.  I am tempted to call it chronic grief but, in truth, it is not a disease or unusual disruption of our lives.  This everyday kind of grief is a foreseeable part of our journey that makes up the tapestry of daily living.  It is normal and expected.  It offers its own gifts and resources to our living.  Everyday grieving is part of living so we would do well to learn to live with it and learn from it.

Grief is the experience of the body, mind, and soul as they respond to a loss in our lives.  Grief can be debilitating when these losses touch us deeply.  But most of our losses are of the everyday variety and generate an everyday variety of grief.  This grief may only last a few minutes or a whole day or more.  It may make it difficult to face the very near future, but generally, it is set aside as “life goes on.”

What are everyday losses? 

These are losses that have a limited but noteworthy impact on our lives.  (This is not to underestimate the impact of these losses.  For some people they can be more significant than for others.  However, the important factor is not the loss itself, but rather the impact of that loss on our lives.)  Below is a list of a few of the losses that can be experienced as everyday occasions for grief.

·      A Short-term Change in Health – This may include an acute condition like a cold or the flu.  It can also include a minor accident or procedure that will temporarily limit our mobility or cause discomfort.

·      Moving - It is well understood that moving is among the most stressful things that we will do in our lifetimes.   That stress may mask the grief that we may experience when we begin to adjust to our new homes.  We may miss our old routines that evolved in our old home.  We may miss the support of our neighbors or the familiarity of the house and neighborhood.  These losses can exacerbate the stress of the move and linger even when the stress has begun to wane.

·      Changing Jobs – When we initiate a lateral or upward change in our jobs, we will likely still feel the loss of the familiar people and activities that we left behind.  Even if we take a voluntary demotion, we may feel the loss of the old job.

·      Loss of Relationships – People come and go through our lives.  Some move on because of a minor conflict.  Some people move on because their responsibilities leads them to a new neighborhood or community.  Sometimes folks just grow apart as their interest and circumstances change.  These losses may cause some disruption in our support network, but, in time, we find that we are able to move on, as well.

·      Change in Social Status – All except the most dedicated hermit live in a network of people.  We inhabit a status within that network that helps us understand who we are and what we do.  It may range from being a high-status leader, a mid-range participant, or a lower status wallflower with few responsibilities and limited recognition from others.  When our status moves up or down, we may feel the loss of our old position within the group.  We may long for the “old days” or fear our new obligations and place in the group.

·      Minor Financial Losses – In our day to day lives our bank accounts move up and down.  Whether we live month-to-month or year-to-year we will have unexpected expenses or shortfalls in income.  When these changes come, we may have to “tighten our belts” in the short-term or make some unpleasant but temporary adjustments to our lifestyle.  In such moments we know we will get through them, but we may miss the things that we have had to give up in order to get through the “rough waters.”

·      Lifestyle Changes – Many of the changes listed above can lead to a change in the way we live our lives.  Many find a way to make the best of their situation and have become relatively comfortable in their day-to-day living.  They develop the routines and relationships that take care of the bulk of their needs.  They make compromises with the needs and desires.  All of us grow into a lifestyle that we have come to count on even though we may still wish for more.  However, those changes will likely be reflected in changes in our lifestyle.  When these changes seep into our daily living we may miss the “good old days” or no longer enjoy those last vestiges of a lifestyle that otherwise has been left behind.

·      Interrupted Routines – Stuff happens!  When it does, we may have to change the way we have always done things.  This could be as simple as having to find a new way to work because of road construction or as complicated as having to adjust to physical limitations that come with age.  Once again, the loss of the “the good old days” may become a source of grief.

·      Lesser Disappointments and Unfulfilled Expectations – No one gets all their wants and wishes.  Disappointment and unmet expectations are part of our daily story.  When they happen, we have to adjust our lives to make room for them.  We may lament the expected future that has been lost, at least in the short-term.  We may grieve the changes that must happen in order to get around the circumstances that led to the disappointment. 

Accumulated Grief

Individually, these losses may not be earth shattering or ultimately life changing.  But, as they accumulate, the grief that gathers around them can become significant.  As long as they are few in number, we can find the resources we need to cope with them.  But as they accumulate, we may find those resources are insufficient to carry their combined weight.  They can begin to have a greater impact on our daily living and, in the extreme, can become debilitating.  When these lesser losses accumulate in our body, mind, and soul they can become life changing.

The cumulative effect of the everyday kind of grief can:

·      Poison the Soul – They can alter the very nature of our inner voice.  We can become bitter and angry with ourselves or those around us.  We may find it difficult to be content and feel an inner restlessness.  Our soul may feel “out of sync” with our situation and we struggle to beyond our feeling that life has betrayed us.

·      Taint the Mind – The accumulation of everyday grief can also alter our ability to reason and process information.  The dark cloud may obscure the facts in our life that would help us deal with our grief.  There may be signs that our situation is turning around, but our mind has become distrustful and discounts those changes.  We become near-sighted and cannot see beyond our present circumstances.  We may come to believe that we will never escape this grief. 

·      Weaken the Body – Accumulated everyday grief can change the way we eat, sleep, exercise, or otherwise care for our body.  It can also change the way we perceive the world around us.  We may go into comfort eating, relying on unhealthy habits.  We make find ourselves unable to sleep or trapped in cycle of extended sleeping and napping.  We may not get the exercise we need or, we may try and do the “Forrest Gump”, and try and run our grief out.  We may find it difficult to bathe or show up for medical appointments.  All of this may affect the ability of the body to “bounce back” from our burden of minor losses.

Accumulated grief can eat away at our joy and hope.  It can dampen our capacity for love and trust.  It can leave us at the side of the road, broken down, and unable to call for help.  To paraphrase a line from The Crown, we may feel that we have become more of a spectator than a participant in our own lives.

The Good News

There is good news in the experience of our everyday losses.  If we recognize and accept responsibility for them and acknowledge the grief that accompanies them, we can grow through them.  They will teach us about ourselves and ways to deal with our grief.  In doing so we can increase our capacity for coping.   They can help us understand what is truly important to us as we feel our losses and explore the reasons for those feelings.  As we get through those lesser losses, we can discover just how resilient we can be.  Further, the ways that we cope with these less-threatening losses can point us toward ways to adapt those learnings to greater losses.  These small losses can help us acquire what we need to deal with the bigger losses that await us in the future. 

Just knowing that we can get through a shadowed valley makes the journey afterward a bit easier.  We know we will bounce back.  We have before and we will again.  We can develop a resilience that will serve us well in times of deeper loss.

When acknowledged and well incorporated into our self-knowledge, we become better grounded in who we are and what is important to us.  We can discover a deeper appreciation for our life and the lives of those around us.  This growing self-awareness will awaken our minds to seeing and celebrating the known and the unknowable in our life.

As we acquire a greater confidence about ourselves and new skills in dealing with loss, we become healthier and better able to ride the “waves of change” that wash up on the edges of our lives.  We are able to relax into our living by letting go of many of our fears, disappointments, and feelings of guilt that arise from our losses.

By embracing our everyday kind of grief, we allow it to shape us and teach us about the real key that unlocks the mystery of life.  We only grieve what we love.  Let it teach you that love!  And as you acknowledge and embrace that love, may you feel the joy, hope and trust that it will create. 

A lifetime of learning to grieve will allow us to grow into a new being filled with a healthy spirit and able to withstand all that we may encounter along our path.  May we live with our grief and learn from it.

Blessings,

Bob

A Lingering Grief

Cagle National Recreation Area in Winter of 2017

It has been almost a year since the funeral.  Life does not feel normal yet, but you are getting glimpses of how your new life is shaping up.  You are starting to get used to eating alone.  Some days you enjoy eating what you want, when you want.  But other days you miss her just being there and playing “I don’t know, what do you want?”  The nights are still lonely, but your days are starting to fill up with new routines.  You appreciate the little victories and feel that you are finally reaching the end of that long, shadowed valley.  And then you catch a whiff of her perfume as you walk down the street and the sadness wells up.   You are right back where you started.

This is called lingering grief.  It seems to defy our hopes and expectations.  Grief will not leave us alone.  It has become nearly as unwelcome as the loss that created it.  We do not want to grieve any longer.  We desperately want to get on with our lives.  But then that little whiff spurs a memory of what we have lost and the grief crashes in.  Our sadness is twofold.  We weep for the spouse we have lost and the progress we thought we had made.  A lingering grief is a cruel reminder that our journey through the shadowed valley has not yet come to an end.

This lingering grief is not unusual.  In fact, it can happen even after the new routines have become daily companions.  It can bubble up even when the new normal has claimed 99.9% of our lives. 

I believe lingering grief is a natural response to holding on to people who we have lost in our daily lives.  We have made a conscious decision to keep these folks in our lives.  Our love for them and their love for us continues to feed our soul.  We enjoy having their memories feed our mind.  Remembering them sustains us. 

My mother died 22 years ago.  We were very close and when we got together, we would drink Lipton’s Lemon Flavored Sweet Instant Tea until 3-4 AM solving the world’s problems.  The rest of the family would be sound asleep, but our discussions continued on.  In the last 22 years there have been many moments when I wanted to talk things over with my Mom.  I can generally hear her voice and feel her presence.  But there are moments when her voice is far away, and the lingering grief rises up tasting like lemony sweet instant tea.  This is the price I pay for staying in touch with the memory of my Mom.  But, for me, the price is worth it.

Do not be surprised when a few moments of lingering grief surfaces from time to time.  When it rises up be sure and tell yourself that the pain grows out of your love for them and reflects the joy they brought and bring to your life.

Remind yourself that the sadness grows out of your loneliness and emptiness that was created when they left you.  But also remember that there are (or will be) moments when they continue to be a companion in your journey.

Most of all, when those lingering moments of grief bubble up within your soul, ask yourself, Is your lingering grief worth your continuing relationship?  Are those difficult moments worth the sweet memories that brings joy to your day?  We can let go and forget, but in doing so would we be losing more than we would gain in decreasing our pain?

The shadowed valley is a place where darkness and light are constantly shifting.  In general, as we begin to climb out of the depths of the valley, the light will become a bit brighter and the darkness will be a bit less frequent.  We may never climb above the shadows, but we will hopefully learn to appreciate what the shadows have to teach us about the joy of living in those sweet moments of light.

Journey on, my friend.  The shade and sunlight await all who make their way through the shadowed valley of grief.

Bob Dees