Why Grief?

The night sky at Garner State Park - Fall 2016

If you are new to your grief, this article may not make sense to you yet.  If so, then lay it aside for another day.  If, however, your grief has been your daily companion for quite a while, it may help you identify things that may be bubbling just beneath the surface.  I encourage you to read on and allow your own inner voice to respond to these ideas.  If they still do not make sense to you, set it aside but you may want to keep it within reach.

Grief has a way of consuming our whole lives.  It colors every moment and strives to block out the joy and hope that shines upon us.  But there is more to grief than sadness or feelings of loss.  There is more to it than pain and isolation.  Like the night sky, there is more than darkness if we have the soul to see it.  In the first weeks or months of grief we may not believe that our grief will ever be any less consuming.  We may not be ready to accept that there is more than our hurting and that the path will continue.  But grief has an enormous power to transform our lives.  It can help a new person emerge from the sackcloth and ashes of our loss. 

In the next page or so I will share what I have learned from walking through my own grief and the journeys others have shared with me.

First of all, like other types of deep pain, grief tells us that something significant has happened.  Whenever we stub our toe, the pain tells us that there is something wrong and we need to pay attention to it.  When we experience a loss of someone who is part of our lives, we experience grief.  The deeper our relationship with them the deeper is our experience of grief.  The grief tells us that we need to pay attention because something important and possibly life-changing, has occurred.

Some may argue that this is too obvious to even mention.  But I have worked with a significant number of grieving people who worked very hard at ignoring their pain.  “I’m okay!  I just need a little time.”  “He was a friend, but we all expected it.  I’ll get over it.”  “Life goes on!”  We dismiss our grief because it is unwelcome, unwanted, inconvenient, and uncontrollable.  But the pain of grief exists to force us pay attention to the loss that evoked the grief.  When the loss is powerful enough it may lead us to set aside everything else so that we can engage in the work of grief that promotes healing.

Second, grief allows us to build a catalogue of cherished memories annotated with things we have learned.  This is especially true when we have lost someone who has been part of a lives for a very long time.  It is natural that we share stories about our relationship to and memories of the deceased.  On the surface, these stories help us maintain our connections.  But as we tell and re-tell them, they become a way of celebrating and acknowledging our gratitude for their life.  These stories change over time.  These “annotations and amendments” include the meaning that these people held for us.  They are a way of reconstituting our inner lives that transforms the deceased from being a simple memory into a living memory, part of our daily lives.  Along with the wisdom in these living memories, we find great comfort in the continuing presence they bring to our everyday living.

Third, grief gives our mind, body, and soul time to resync into a new sense of self.  Our self-understanding takes a hit when we lose someone who has been part of who we are.  We are, in large part, defined by our relationships to those around us.  Grief gives us room to live into new relationships when an old relationship has ended due in a deep loss.   A spouse becomes a widow or widower.  A loving care-taker child becomes a survivor.  Many of these new relationships lack a name.  For example, there are no words to define our new relationship when we lose a sibling, a close friend, a mentor, a protégé, or a child.  It is as if society does not consider them to be important enough to name or offers us ways to cope.  But the loss is real and can be life-changing. 

These new relationships will take time to explore and understand.  Grief gives us room to deal with all the things that need to be addressed.  Socially, this has been called “a period of mourning” or “bereavement leave.”  We do not expect grieving people to step back into their previous roles without some time to do the work of grief.  We generally give ourselves time to get back on our feet.  During this time we explore and resync our lives with those we have lost as well as those who continue to walk with us.

Lastly, grief offers us the opportunity to acquire the knowledge, skills, and attitudes of a new life.  When we lose someone who has been a partner in our daily lives, we may need to learn to live without the things they provided.  A surviving spouse may need to learn the household “books”, pay the bills, and manage the finances.  They may need to re-discover how to wash the clothes or prepare a meal.  They may need to learn to drive and take care of the car.  They may also have to have help getting through the probate process or packing up and disposing of the deceased personal belongings.  IT may also be as ordinary and learning to sleep alone.  Grief opens up our lives to learning new knowledge, skills, and attitudes.

Prior to our loss, we may have believed that household chores were “women’s work.”  In grief we find that they were hard work and valuable contributions to our lives.  We may have minimized the effort it took for our partner to pay the bills and manage the investments.  In grief we discover the difficulty and challenges that their loved one endured just to keep the family “afloat.”  We may have taken our relationship with the deceased for granted.  But in grief we come to realize how fortunate we were to have them in our lives.  Further, we may be encouraged to journey into the unknown and overcome our fears as we take more and more of those things upon ourselves.

In closing, as you walk through the shadowed valley, there will be moments when the shadows of grief become overwhelming.  Allow them to surround you and hold you close.  But keep an eye open for a small light that may be shining in that darkness.  It may be the light of a new bit of knowledge, a new skill, or a better attitude breaking through the gloom.  It may be the glimmer of a new sense of who you are as you resync with your changed world.  It could be a story about your loved one that has come to light and brings a hint of joy to your soul.  It may simply be the knowledge that you have loved and been loved by the one you have lost.  That realization may create a little space where gratitude and healing may plant its seed. 

The most beautiful nights are when the moon stays below the horizon and we are able to gaze upon the millions of stars that shine through the darkness.  They do not chase the darkness away.  However, they help us to know that the night is more than darkness.  Your grief is much more than sadness and pain.  It is also hundreds of little moments when you can see a light shining in the darkness and know that you are not alone. 

Blessings on your journey through the Shadowed Valley.

Bob