A Faith-Full Grief

Valley of Fire State Park, Nevada  March 18, 2015

I have often heard church folks say they do not know how people get through a death without any faith.  I can appreciate that their particular faith is important to them and they cannot imagine being without it at a time of loss, but they may have a limited view of the faith that supports us in our grief.  Faith, like any other aspect of grief, is intensely personal and unique to the person.  Faith is not always a religious experience.  A non-religious person may have a deep faith that should not be discounted because it is not the same as a religious faith.  This article is about the role and importance of faith, regardless of its substance, in grief.  What does faith bring to our grief journey? 

A close loss shakes the foundations of our lives.  Someone we care about and have counted on is no longer with us.  Their voice, their presence, their concern, and the little things they did for us are no longer part of our lives.  Things we have come to take for granted are gone.  Assumptions about ourselves and the way things “should be” are forever changed.  The “it-could-never-happen” has happened and the ground beneath our lives is very, very shaky.

Faith includes all those assumptions and beliefs that help us get through our day.  It gives us something to steady our lives as the changes begin to accumulate.  Faith offers us something to lean on when the ground is shaking, and we are afraid.  Faith gives us the eyes to see love and trust, joy and hope in the world.  It allows us to keep on going by clearing away the fog of disappointment, sadness, fear, and loneliness.  Faith gives us what we need to get through the shadowed valley of grief.  It helps us put one foot on front of the other and handle our hurt because we know it is not the last word.

Our faith allows us to accept the journey for what it is, a part of life as we understand it.  Faith is the trust we place in the assumptions we make about life.  These assumptions may be captured in reasoned philosophical argument.  For religious folks they may be captured in reasoned theological argument.  Neither set of assumptions, religious or non-religious, appear to be any better than the other as long as it serves us well as we walk through the shadowed valley,

How can you tell if your path is serving you well?  Does it bring comfort and encouragement?  Does it foster hope and trust?  Does it allow you to grieve and deal with questions when confusion arises?  Does it give you the strength you need to cope with the losses and changes in your life?  If so, then it is serving you well and you can lean on your faith.  If not, listen and look for other ways to see and understand yourself in the world.  Listen to the stories of other traditions.  Talk with people. Learn, grow, and develop your own faith.  The shadowed valley offers each of us an unwanted but none the less valuable opportunity to grow into life, in part by discovering our faith. 

Over the years, Marlene and I have walked many miles on trails through valleys, deserts, mountainsides, and marshes.  The most important tool I carry is a walking stick that I can count on.  I have had quite a few.  Some were too flexible.  Some were too rigid.  Some of the sticks were too short and others were too long.  Some were too heavy while others were too light and could not withstand the terrain.  In the last few years I have finally found one that serves me well, regardless of the terrain.  It makes the journey much more comfortable because I can rely on it.  I know it will be there when I need it.  Such is our faith.   Lean on it as you make your way through the shadowed valley.  Test it.  Find one that you can count on and that allows you to make the most of your journey.

If you like Willie Nelson, I encourage you to listen to his new song.

 Something You Get Through, by Willie Nelson

Blessings,

Bob

In Fear of the Tear

The Empty Rocker...

Tears are an essential part of the human experience.  They routinely keep our eyes lubricated so that we can roll and focus.  They also allow us to wash foreign objects out of our eyes.  Usually, these tears drain down into our nose where they are swallowed.  Tears help keep our eyes functioning well.  But, tears also have a powerful effect upon our soul.

When we experience a powerful emotion, our eyes may produce too many tears.  These tears overwhelm the drainage into the nose and so they well up and run down our cheeks.  Some research suggests that these tears contain a natural painkiller that produces a sense of well-being.  These same tears also trigger a social response from those around us, empathy.  Emotional tears protect and support the body and soul during times of intense stress, presumably allowing the mind to re-engage in order to deal with the cause of the stress.  And so, the tear is our friend in the everyday world as well as in times of trouble.

Unfortunately, many people fear the tear.  It may represent vulnerability, a lack of self-control, an emotion that they do not want to acknowledge, evidence of weakness, or an irrefutable sign of a major change in their lives.  You know the signs of “holding back the tears.”  We become rigid in body-mind-soul.  We refuse to talk about the source of our discomfort.  We may put on a frozen smile.  All of our energy goes into preventing the tears and, in time, we become utterly and completely exhausted.  One of my mentors talked about another sign that we are holding back on our tears.  She called it “leaking.”  This is when a single tear forms at the inner edge of our eye and we double down by refusing to cry!

Tears are a natural part of most people’s grief experience.  Whether they choose to do so in public or private, tears serve a vital function in coping with the powerful emotions that grow out of our grief.  As mentioned before, they produce a natural painkiller to help the body and mind cope.  The offer a sign to others that we are hurting and encourage others to extend their love and support.  Deep sobbing allows us to use the excess of emotional energy in a helpful way.  Tears allow us to cope body-mind-soul with the intense emotions that occur with the grief experience.

How long do they last?  As long as we need them.  There are some folks who are good at using “crocodile tears” to gain sympathy or to manipulate others.   But most of us can see through insincere displays.  Genuine tears rise from deep within only when we need them.  Most folks can see and feel when we are genuinely weeping.  As long as they grow out of the deep grief experience, they will come and go as they are needed.

Will I ever stop crying?  Yes and no.  They may come and go for days, months, years, and even a lifetime.  But when they have served their purpose, they will go away.  We will stop crying when we have regained the capacity to cope.  And, generally, their frequency decreases as we develop other ways to cope.  But, they can always return when they are needed to help us recover balance in our body-mind-soul.

We can control the tears, but not the emotion.  Our emotions rise from within and are shaped by a lifetime of experiences.  They occur with little or no effort on our part.  However, we do seem to have some control over how we express them.  We can control the flow but not the source of our tears.

I have often encouraged people to recognize that tears cleanse the soul.  I encourage them to let them flow.  Whether in public or in private, those tears help them to experience a healing presence in their lives.  There will come a moment when their soul has cried out a good bit of its sadness, at least for that moment.   Their mind will be better able to deal with the myriad of details and struggles that come with the loss.

The next time you sit with a friend who begins showing the signs that tears are welling up, be careful about offering a Kleenex.  If you are doing so to help them to capture their tears, that is helpful.  But if you are doing so to prevent yourself from having to face their sadness and the sadness that it evokes within your own soul, you may want to refrain.  In that moment, you, also, have become one who needs the tears to cleanse your own soul.

“And tears came before he could stop them, boiling hot then instantly freezing on his face, and what was the point in wiping them off? Or pretending? He let them fall.”  ~ J.K. Rowling

Blessings,

Bob