The tragic deaths of ten people at Santa Fe High School last
week reminds us that not all grief is the same.
Ten families are experiencing a grief that is both sudden and
traumatic. My heart goes out to them and
to those who are walking with them through that dark and lonely valley.
As a Hospice Chaplain, I have walked with many whose grief resulted
from a “good death.” This is a death of
someone who was able to prepare as best they could and find comfort, if not
peace, in their last days. The families
that surrounded them were able to find solace in their family member or
friend’s comfort as they prepared, as best they could, for the moment and
aftermath of the death. However, as a Chaplain
and Pastor I have also observed those who must survive a sudden, traumatic loss of a child, parent,
companion, or close friend. These two
experiences of grief are both painful and deserve to be respected. But, they can be quite different.
Any death is painful.
As a general rule, the closer the deceased is to us, the more profound our
grief. But when that loss comes suddenly
and tragically, it becomes something more.
It can be, and often is, life shattering.
The sudden and traumatic circumstances magnify the effect of
the loss on our whole being, our spirit.
Our body-mind-soul experience is broken down. We find ourselves unable to cope with the
loss. We have not had the opportunity to
walk through how we might act-think-feel in anticipation of the loss. We are likely facing an unthinkable situation
that we have never anticipated. We are
surrounded by a thick, impenetrable forest of feelings while trying to make
funeral arrangements, call and support family, deal with unexpected expenses,
and get through a day that we never imagined would happen.
Unfortunately, we have faced these moments from the very
beginning of time. Many cultures teach
us the ancient wisdom of need for lament before we begin to deal with anything
thing else. The human spirit needs to
experience the deep sorrow, hurt, and anger that are part of sudden and traumatic
deaths. Lamentation is like a pressure
bandage on a deep wound. It helps slow
the loss of “blood” until we can regain our balance. Lamentation is first aid for the human spirit! It allows us to get acquainted with the pain,
anger, etc. while helping us to retain a
sense of vitality within ourselves. From such lamentation comes a rediscovery of
the will to survive. It offers us time
to find the energy to deal with what has to be done.
Lamentation helps us to
focus on the tangle of decisions, beliefs, and feelings. We are caught up in that tangle. We know we have to deal with them. But the shock of a sudden and traumatic loss
steals our focus and energy to deal with them.
I have heard this described as being numb, anesthetized from the
pain. Lament allows us to feel the
pain. It allows the pain to motivate us
to do what needs to be done. It allows
us to focus enough to acknowledge and accept the support from those around
us. It helps us focus on what we can do
when our soul feels completely and utterly helpless. That tiny flicker of the human will contains
all that we need to regain our feet so that we can take care of ourselves and
those around us. Lamentation allows us just
enough energy to be able to breathe through the pain of our grief.
In the aftermath of the Santa Fe shooting, all of us need a
time to lament. Only then will we be
able to rediscover the will to do what needs to be done to protect our
children. Then, and only then, with we
be able to say with absolute conviction, “Never again!”
Shalom,
Bob
