Empowering Lament

The tragic deaths of ten people at Santa Fe High School last week reminds us that not all grief is the same.  Ten families are experiencing a grief that is both sudden and traumatic.  My heart goes out to them and to those who are walking with them through that dark and lonely valley.

As a Hospice Chaplain, I have walked with many whose grief resulted from a “good death.”  This is a death of someone who was able to prepare as best they could and find comfort, if not peace, in their last days.  The families that surrounded them were able to find solace in their family member or friend’s comfort as they prepared, as best they could, for the moment and aftermath of the death.  However, as a Chaplain and Pastor I have also observed those who must survive  a sudden, traumatic loss of a child, parent, companion, or close friend.  These two experiences of grief are both painful and deserve to be respected.  But, they can be quite different.

Any death is painful.  As a general rule, the closer the deceased is to us, the more profound our grief.  But when that loss comes suddenly and tragically, it becomes something more.  It can be, and often is, life shattering.

The sudden and traumatic circumstances magnify the effect of the loss on our whole being, our spirit.  Our body-mind-soul experience is broken down.  We find ourselves unable to cope with the loss.  We have not had the opportunity to walk through how we might act-think-feel in anticipation of the loss.  We are likely facing an unthinkable situation that we have never anticipated.  We are surrounded by a thick, impenetrable forest of feelings while trying to make funeral arrangements, call and support family, deal with unexpected expenses, and get through a day that we never imagined would happen.

Unfortunately, we have faced these moments from the very beginning of time.  Many cultures teach us the ancient wisdom of need for lament before we begin to deal with anything thing else.  The human spirit needs to experience the deep sorrow, hurt, and anger that are part of sudden and traumatic deaths.  Lamentation is like a pressure bandage on a deep wound.  It helps slow the loss of “blood” until we can regain our balance.  Lamentation is first aid for the human spirit!  It allows us to get acquainted with the pain, anger, etc.  while helping us to retain a sense of vitality within ourselves.   From such lamentation comes a rediscovery of the will to survive.  It offers us time to find the energy to deal with what has to be done.

Lamentation helps us  to focus on the tangle of decisions, beliefs, and feelings.  We are caught up in that tangle.  We know we have to deal with them.   But the shock of a sudden and traumatic loss steals our focus and energy to deal with them.  I have heard this described as being numb, anesthetized from the pain.  Lament allows us to feel the pain.  It allows the pain to motivate us to do what needs to be done.  It allows us to focus enough to acknowledge and accept the support from those around us.  It helps us focus on what we can do when our soul feels completely and utterly helpless.  That tiny flicker of the human will contains all that we need to regain our feet so that we can take care of ourselves and those around us.  Lamentation allows us just enough energy to be able to breathe through the pain of our grief.

In the aftermath of the Santa Fe shooting, all of us need a time to lament.  Only then will we be able to rediscover the will to do what needs to be done to protect our children.  Then, and only then, with we be able to say with absolute conviction, “Never again!”

Shalom,

Bob