When Grief Piles On

Big Bend National Park in 2017

Bill and Mary had been together for over 50 years.  They had raised two children and enjoyed their five grandchildren.  Over the years they had evolved a comfortable routine.  He had his chores and she had hers.  While having their own friends and hobbies, they also enjoyed the friends and hobbies they shared.  There were difficult moments, but, if asked, they would have both agreed that they were living the “good life.”  And then one day everything changed.  Mary was taken to the hospital by ambulance and never came back.

Several months later, Bill was sitting with his morning coffee group and confessed, “I am tired of the surprises!  Losing Mary was bad enough, but I am still losing something else every day!  When will it stop?”

For many folks, losing someone is not just about the loss of a companion.  It is about hundreds of little losses that keep cropping up along the road through the shadowed valley.  They miss seeing the smile that greeted them each morning.  They miss not having to worry about laundry or bill paying or all the other jobs their companions did.  It is about eating at a table for one or just feeling sad, even when the grandkids come to visit.  It is about the comforting sounds of our companion’s sleeping next to us.  Each day, it seems, especially in the early months following the loss, these little losses keep cropping up and piling on.

In elementary school we played a game that was a cross between soccer and football.  It looked a lot like Rugby, but we didn’t know anything about that back then.   The main idea was to get the ball to the other end of the field by any means necessary.  If someone slowed down or held on to the ball too long they could be tackled and the rest of the players on both teams would then pile on as everyone tried to get the ball.   When we lose someone close to our heart we begin to feel what it was like on the bottom of a pile on.

There is no such thing as a simple loss.  The closer we are to the one who died, the more losses we experience.  The more connections that exist between us, the more losses we will experience.  Each one will take away a bit of our energy to cope but force us to cope, anyway.  Until we are able to make the adjustments, these losses will accumulate and may eventually take our figurative legs out from under us.  We will find ourselves on the floor of our lives, crying out, “I’ve fallen and can’t get up.”

These losses range from…

…the deep to the mundane,

…the foreseen to the “out of nowhere” surprise, and

    …the deeply personal to shared family and community losses.

These losses continue to accumulate making our grief more and more difficult to carry and cope.  Many have described this journey through that valley as all uphill and a path that is both steep and rocky.

What can we do?

First, our journey will be more manageable if we are able to accept that the losses will keep coming.  This will prevent us from expecting ourselves to “get over it” and encourage us to “get through it.” 

Second, we need to accept that we do not have to run up that steep and rocky path.  We need to take one step at a time, dealing with each loss as it appears.  Some of the losses will need our immediate attention, while others can simply be acknowledged and set aside until we have the time and energy to deal with them.

Third, we can allow ourselves to grow through loss and develop the coping required to endure.  These losses do not happen in order to teach us life lessons.  However, they are good opportunities to grow through and to the new life that awaits in that valley and beyond.   This could mean learning a little about being more self-sufficient or discovering how important friends and family can be.  With each loss comes the opportunity for new strength, new skills, and a new life to be lived.

Let the losses settle in and explore ways to cope with the challenges they offer.  I promise you that in the process, life will happen.  We will grow and, in time, meet the stronger, more resilient person we are becoming. 

Blessings for your journey,

Bob Dees

One day at a time sweet Jesus

That's all I'm asking from you.

Just give me the strength 

To do every day what I have to do.

(Cristy Lane)