Being (a) Present for a Grieving Friend

Bay Area Park, Fall 2016

Those who care for grieving people know the feeling.  Helplessness, frustration, confusion, and even anger can bubble up when we feel there is nothing we can do to help someone lost in the emptiness of full-blown grief.  We cannot change the course of their grief.  Too often we resort to the tried and true, “Call me if you need anything!”  Often, these words do more to ease our conscience than console the grieving person.

Being a friend to the deeply grieved is a long, hard road.   But it will happen to most people at one time or another.  Grief is a natural part of the human experience and if we have close friends and family, we will find ourselves staring into the face of deep grief.  When you find yourself in this position, I offer the following to you.

Be a friend who…

…shows up.

Our natural reaction when we feel uncomfortable or inadequate is to step back, withdraw, or not show up in the first place.  A friend shows up when trouble arrives.  This does not mean that we have to sit “front and center”, demanding that we take care of them. A friend offers and provides their presence in whatever measure is most comforting to the grieving person.    For some it may mean moving in.  For others it may mean checking in from time to time in person, by text or phone.  What a friend does not do is avoid them.

…sets aside their needs.

In caring for our grieving friend, we keep our issues to ourselves.  We can acknowledge our grief over the loss, but from that point it is all about what our friend needs.  I have seen too many “friends” who use a conversation with a grieving person to work out their own grief issues.  Leave your “stuff” in a bag outside the front door when you visit your friend. 

…responds to the expressed needs of the other.

Listen carefully and respond to the felt needs of your grieving friend.  Do not try and anticipate their needs.  Allow them to experience their grief and respond to their needs as THEY become aware of them.

…listens without judgment.

Set aside your own opinions about grief or any “Shoulds” about grieving.   Let their grief be real and genuine to themselves.  Grief is deeply personal and for anyone to find their way through it they must follow their own trail.  If they try and follow someone else’s trail, they will get lost!

…responds without telling their story.

We will often try and comfort another by telling the grieving person about our own experience of grief.  We may do so under the false impression that they will learn from our experiences by copying our “successes” and avoiding “our mistakes.”  We may believe that in doing so we are demonstrating empathy and understanding.  Though well-intentioned, these will not work because everyone’s grief is unique to them in that moment.  They may also serve to help us work through our own grief which may be important but not with someone who is the midst of deep grief.

…offers to share the space created by the emptiness of grief.

Grief creates an empty space around the deeply grieving.  I have heard it described as an impenetrable darkness, a black hole, a vast desert, and a void.   If we can accept the reality of this void and “hang in there” with the person who is experiencing it we can share it with them.  We do not to fill it up, shine a light, plant a flower, or anything else that attempts to dispel it.  By recognizing and offering to share that space you can be a real comfort.  It may be empty but they will not alone!

…provides the gift of presence.

In short, being a companion to a friend or family member means that we need to be present to and with them in their grief.  Presence offers companionship, respect, a listening soul, a responsive heart, and a sacred presence in the midst of a deep and life changing moment.  It will not “solve” their grief.  It will not put a smile on their grief.  It will not make their grief easy.  But it will help them cope with their sorrow. 

Do not sit back and wait for the grieving person to call you and tell you what they need.  Be a friend!  Be present to them!  Be present with them!  Be a present to them!  Be a presence with them!

Blessings,

Bob