Turtles and Skunks

Red-Earded Sliders at High Island, TX 2009

During my early training I remember being astounded at how some folks seemed to blame everyone else for their problems while others took all the blame on their own shoulders.  Some people would blame their spouse for not being able to read their mind.  Others would feel guilty when their spouse would not listen to their problems. 

One day I was sharing this with my mentor in ministry and he shared this observation.  “There are two types of folks, Turtles and Skunks.  When under stress the turtle crawls into their shell and stews in their feelings.  The skunk turns around and sprays everyone in sight with their feelings.  Neither one is better or worse.  They each have their own charms and struggles.  But turtles are turtles and skunks are skunks!”

Each of us deals with the stress of life in our own way.  This is especially true of regrets during our grief.  When we regret something we dig up the words “Should’a”  and “Could’a.” 

Turtles generally put the words “I” in front and say “I should’a.…” or “I could’a….”  Skunks prefer to use the name of someone else in front of these words of regret.   “Bill should’a.…” or “Sally could’a ….”  These regret words help us to make sense of the chaos we feel in our lives.  They help us feel that we have an explanation that holds back the confusion and despair.  If we can identify the person and experience that caused all this then we feel we have some control over the situation.  Even if we can’t go back and fix it, we might be able to find a way out of this messy grief.

Unfortunately, words of regret and blame may help us cope with our hurt in the short-term, but they seldom help us deal with long-term healing.  When we “turtle” by turning our regrets upon ourselves, we risk believing that there is nothing we can do and give up.  When we “skunk” and turn our regrets upon those we love we risk alienating ourselves from their love and support.  When we “skunk” we turn our regret upon the one we lost, our grief becomes even more intense and we risk tainting our memories of them.  Regret and blame are like candy.  A little may help us get through the day, but a steady diet leads to all kinds of problems.

In the days and weeks ahead you may find yourself experiencing regret and using the two regret words, “coulda’” or “shoulda’”.  Pay attention to who you are blaming or forcing to accept responsibility for your hurts and disappointments.  Remember, regret and blame may be part of your journey but they are not part of your destination.  Accept your “turtleness” or “skunkiness” as a part of who you are in this moment.  But remember, you can choose whether you hide in your shell or spray the world.  Regardless, do not get angry with yourself because you have regrets.  It’s called grief!

Bob Dees