The River of Grief

The Frio River at Garner State Park -- Fall 2016

One of the inconvenient truths about life is that change is seldom a solitary visitor.  It usually brings along a bunch of friends that all demand our energy.  Any significant change in life causes a cascade of other changes.  Moving to a new city means a change in where we shop, who we associate with, how we mow the yard, etc.  In fact, there are very few changes that are so isolated that they stand alone.  Change should almost always we spelled with an “s”.

This is especially true with the change is the loss of a close family member or friend. We not only have to deal with the cascade of accompanying changes, we have to do so while experiencing grief.  Our energy is being drained away by coping with deep feelings, walking unknown paths without your usual support, and with an unforeseen future.   And yet, we find ourselves caught in rapidly flowing events and can hear the sound of multiple waterfalls just ahead.  We will have to do something or be swept away in the river of grief.

We find ourselves struggling to focus our thoughts or energy.   There is so much to do.  We are unable to name our feelings as they wash over us in wave after wave of chaotic emotions.  Our mind fights to reason its way among the rocks of reality that we keep us in turmoil.   It would be so much easier if someone would just throw us a lifeline and pull us out of the torrent.  We would do anything that would get us out of the cold water of reality that swirls around us.

What can we do?  How do we get out of this?

We can crawl out of the water and find a warm bank.  There we will regain our balance and some measure of control over our lives.  Once we have our legs, we can find our way downstream staying close to the water.   From time to time the path may narrow and we will need to step back into the water.   But we always stay close enough to the shore to avoid being swept away.

We need to breathe.  Nothing calms the inner life better than slow, deep breathing.  We draw in the breath of life through our nose, allowing it to fill our lungs with life-giving air.  We hold it briefly as the oxygen floods our cells and absorbs the carbon dioxide.  And then we exhale through pursed lips, purging ourselves of the stale air that no longer feeds our spirit.  Breathe in.  Hold.  Breathe out.  We are in control.  We rest in the breath of life alongside our grief.

When a sense of balance has returned, we can prioritize the to do list that has been dragging us downstream.  What is absolutely essential to do now?  What will be absolutely essential later?  Of these essentials, what must we do?   What can others do?  Are there things that may not be essential but would be helpful or enjoyable?  Are there somethings that would be helpful but would be very difficult at the moment?  We give ourselves a break by sorting the essential from the non-essential, the things we must do from the things others can do, the helpful and enjoyable from the helpful but difficult.  We are finding that we cannot control of grief or the changes it brings but we do have control over how we deal with it.

Next, as we rise from our place on the river bank, we start accepting that we may feel incompetent for a while.  We are having to walk unfamiliar paths and we will make mistakes.  We must be gentle with ourselves and our mis-steps.   We may miss a due date for the water bill or bleach our favorite polo shirt.  We may forget to take out the trash or return the call from our boss.  We will trip and stumble our way along the rocky path.  We will not be able to hold every detail in our heads and will forget to look at the list as often as we should.  The distractions created by our grief will create a fog around us.  But we recognize that this is part of the journey and accept that we will make mistakes.  If we fall.  But, we will get up.

In a crisis we may need to offer and take the hand of a fried until we regain our feet.  Many, however, will let go once they have found our footing.  We need to feel that we can get through this.  Confidence and control are important to us.  But it is unfortunate when we see a rough path ahead and push away those who could walk with us and be available if we fell.  Many people will tell us to call if we need anything.  We need to make that call when a rocky trail looms ahead.   It is ok to make sure folks are there, just in case.  They will be there to pick us up after we stumble and to help us keep from stumbling in the first place.  We need to do our best to find our way but we also need to ask for and accept the help of those who care about us.

We will need to make decisions as we find our way.  But, we need to avoid making life-changing decisions when our grief is the primary factor.  We may feel the need to purge the house of everything that reminds us of our loved one.  But if this is to avoid the pain of the loss then we may regret it when the pain begins to subside and we will want to be reminded of our loved one.  We may be afraid of not being able to pay the bills with the loss of income and so rush out and sell our home for far less than it is worth.  We need protection from making decisions grounded solely in our grief.  We need to invite a trusted professional to help us with these irreversible decisions where a mistake can be very costly.  These folks may include a financial advisor, a spiritual advisor, a grief counselor, a medical doctor, and a close friend who has walked that same path and found their way to a new life. These people can help us find our way around the boulders in our path without having to wade back into the fast moving water where bad decisions are made.

As we find our way along the path, we will learn to appreciate the view.  Gradually, our new life will emerge as we pick our way among the trees, rocks, and boulders.  We will discover that we are beginning to feel more competent and less anxious about everyday decision.  The details of our new life will become the routine rather than intruders or obstacles.  We will still find ourselves in the river of grief but we will have learned that we can always go back to the shore where we can breathe and resume our new lives. 

We learn that our new lives will evolve.  It will never be the same but it is still worth living.  Hopefully any regrets will be left in the water to be carried away.  But new eyes will see the sun shining through and burning off the fog.  Color will return to our world.  Surprise and delight will arrive.  In those moments we will begin to see that our life is worth living.  It will have been reshaped by our journey along the river of grief.

Blessings,

Bob